Tag Archive | President Obama

“May You Live In Interesting Times” Says Creepy Chinese Man Before Entering Voting Booth

HAIGHT, MI- Violent clashes with police and the National Guard erupted for the fourth night in a row in the former United States on Saturday, leaving thousands dead and hundreds injured. The chaos comes amid reports that a creepy Chinese man delivered a curse upon the American people on Tuesday before entering the voting booth. […]

Black Kid On Train: “Shit Yo Shit Son Mad Shit Mad Son Shit Yo Shit Son Shit Shit Mad Shit”

  NEW YORK CITY– Stock prices plummeted yesterday to their lowest point since January 2015 after a black kid on the Brooklyn bound F train said, “Shit yo shit son mad shit mad son shit yo shit son shit shit mad shit.” The black kid’s reflections come just five days after a failed military coup […]

Actor Anton Yelchin’s Death Results in Murder of 50,000 Jeep Grand Cherokees

LOS ANGELES– Fifty-thousand Jeep Grand Cherokees have been hunted down and killed following the tragic death of Anton Yelchin, the actor who portrayed Checkov in the latest Star Trek reboot. Yelchin died last week after he was crushed by his Jeep Grand Cherokee. After putting it in park and exiting the vehicle, it mysteriously rolled […]

It Gets Funnier Every Day: An Essay About My Former Neighbors

This is an essay about my former neighbors, who I will call the Garza family. I used to live in an illegal, non-soundproofed basement apartment in a house in which the family upstairs from me consisted of a “mother,” a “father,” and their three spawn. These spawn, who all have names that begin with the […]

Man Asks Woman Her Age

BRAINY BORO, NJ– A stunned nation is reeling after a Kinkos employee asked his female co-worker her age. The shocking breach of decorum was committed by forty-seven-year-old William Mersen, who claims that he wanted to know her age in order to determine if she would understand some of his “older pop culture references.” But the […]

Frustrated Commuter Attempts To Make Train Go Faster By Sighing And Shaking Her Head

QUEENS, NY—Slow service on the 179th Street bound F train led one frustrated commuter to take matters into her own hands. According to eyewitnesses, twenty-six-year-old Rachel Rowe began to sigh heavily and shake her head Tuesday morning when the conductor announced that passengers would be momentarily delayed due to train traffic ahead of them. The […]

Subway Passengers Go to Great Lengths to Avoid Empty Soda Can Left on Seat

NEW YORK CITY– Commuters were in for quite a scare on Friday morning when an empty soda can was left on one of the seats of the Queens bound F train. “Even though there was nowhere else to sit, no one, myself included, wanted to go anywhere near it,” said passenger Hector Guzman. Neither did […]