BROOKLYN, NY– An eight-year-old and a six-year-old aroused a great deal of suspicion in a Park Slope restaurant on Saturday night when they quietly enjoyed their meals without disturbing other people. The children, Mark and Sarah Jorgans, were described by witnesses as being “abnormal” and “peculiarly civilized.” One witness, a thirty-three-year-old mother of three named Samantha Connelly, said, “For them to sit there and talk quietly rather than scream? For them to remain seated rather than run around the restaurant? It’s not normal. I suspect child abuse.”
While Connelly was worried, other parents were downright angry, referring to the Jorgans as being “real showoffs.” “You can tell that they thought they were all high and mighty with their good manners and consideration for other diners,” said one parent Greg Tarcher. “And, by the way, what kind of names are Mark and Sarah? It’s almost as if their parents don’t even want them to be different from everyone else. Well, unfortunately for them, they’re different all right. You should’ve heard the way they were talking to their waiter. ‘Please.’ ‘Thank you.’ Fucking freaks.” Fellow witness Cheryl Jacobs echoed Tarcher’s comments, saying, “Children should be a reflection of their parents, which is why my husband and I try to raise our kids, Suny, Eljed, and Sycamore, with an arrogant sense of narcissistic self-entitlement.”
Pediatrician Ken Foley believes that Mark and Sarah Jorgans might suffer from Asperger Syndrome. “One symptom of Aspergers is a strict adherence to rules, a behavior that these children certainly display,” said Foley. “Either way, the disturbing question is this: who put these rules of civility and common courtesy into their heads in the first place?” Dave Driscoll, a Park Slope father of four, would also like an answer to that question, saying, “I moved to this neighborhood not just to show off the fact that I can afford it, but also so that I can show off the fact that I can afford to have an irresponsible number of children as well. That being said, when I take my kids to a restaurant, I specifically instruct them to make everyone else in the restaurant aware of their presence. Otherwise, what’s the point?””I know that it’s wrong to discriminate against the disabled,” said Park Slope parent Tom Beris, “but if those kids have Aspergers, they should just stay home. “My own kids, Cremora, Nantucket, and Brickden were really scared when they saw how quiet they were being.”
Thirty minutes after the Jorgans family left the restaurant, Mark and Sarah were immediately taken away from their parents by Child Protective Services and placed in foster homes.