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Obscure Lives Matter

soap star

In his speech at the RNC, a delusional Antonio Sabato Jr. said, “I don’t care if Hollywood rejects me for supporting Donald Trump.”

Soap operas are not Hollywood, and Antonio Sabato Jr. was on a soap opera twenty years ago, which was probably before he even knew whether he was a Republican or a Democrat. So, no, Antonio. There is no left wing conspiracy against you. Hollywood is no different than the rest of America in that they don’t know that you exist. This would be similar to me claiming that Jessica Alba refuses to have sex with me because my penis is too big. The truth is much simpler than that. Jessica Alba does not know that I exist. If she did, things might be different. And by “different ” I’m referring to the fact that she would give me the herpes that she got from Derek Jeter. And it would be worth it.

But I digress.

James Woods, Bruce Willis, and Clint Eastwood are all Republicans, so Sabato (which I just decided is Spanish for “not only a has been but a never was”) needs to go take his medication and stop playing the victim card.

July 21, 2016

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Driving Instructor Who Takes Mass Transit Doesn’t Give A Fuck How His Students Drive


NEW YORK CITY– A driving instructor who commutes by trains and buses does not give a fuck how his students drive. According to his students, forty-five-year-old Russell Porter automatically passes everyone despite paying little to no attention to their driving skills.

One former student, Michael Giordano, told reporters that “all he does is read the newspaper and play with his phone.” Other students, like Linda Harro of Bushwick, confirmed Giordano’s claims, saying, “Just recently, Russell and I were driving on the BQE. There was a stalled vehicle in front of us, so I asked him whether I should go around the guy or wait for the other cars to go first. Apparently, he was watching a movie on his phone because he told me, ‘Hold on. This is the part where Deadpool shows his wife how badly he was burned.’ “

Fanter’s story doesn’t surprise Todd Reade, a former student of Porter’s who encouraged Reade to use his cell phone while taking his driving test. “My phone rang,” said Reade, “and Russell asked me, ‘Aren’t you going to answer that?’ I said, ‘You’re kidding, right?’ And he actually said to me, ‘No. Pick it up. It might be important.’ ” Reade refused to answer it, thinking it might be a “trap.” But after the phone started to ring again a minute later, Porter insisted that he answer it. “He told me that he wanted me to answer it if for no better reason than that he hated my ringtone, and was sick of hearing it,” Reade told reporters. “So I had a short conversation with my sister. After I hung up, for the rest of the driving lesson, Russell did nothing but show me different ringtones on his phone. There was absolutely no driving instruction at all. But he passed me regardless, and now I have my drivers license.”

Passing his students regardless of their driving skills (or lack thereof) is a common occurrence with Porter. One exception was when a student ran over a pedestrian in 2014. According to the driver, Patrick Downs, Porter told him, “I’m going to have to fail you this time around. I don’t actually care that you hit that guy, but I can’t make it too obvious, you know? You understand, right?”

Porter was finally terminated on Friday after his boss, Lu Han Park, set up a sting operation involving his seventeen-year-old nephew, Cho. “We had Cho pose as a student who wanted to take his drivers test,” said Park. Cho told reporters, “At one point, I started driving in reverse on the Belt Parkway. With about a thousand cars honking at me, Russell very calmly looked up from the New York Times crossword puzzle and told me, ‘You might want to go forward instead of in reverse. Other than that, you’re doing fine.’ I asked him, ‘Does that mean that I passed my test?’ He said, ‘Sure. Why not?’ ” Porter was fired minutes later.

When asked how he could be so lackadaisical about his student’s driving, Porter said, “I take public transportation. Why would I care about how these people drive? It’s not going to be my car they’ll be smashing into.”

“That’s a really selfish attitude,” said U.S. Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx. “He might not drive, but others do, and putting unskilled drivers on the road is dangerous.”

Porter dismissed Foxx’s comments, saying, “Some people might not think that it’s wise for me to automatically let all of my students pass their driving tests, but when you think about it, how wise is it to let an Asian man own and operate a driving school?”


Area Couple’s Well Behaved Children Must Have Something Wrong With Them

BROOKLYN, NY– An eight-year-old and a six-year-old aroused a great deal of suspicion in a Park Slope restaurant on Saturday night when they quietly enjoyed their meals without disturbing other people. The children, Mark and Sarah Jorgans, were described by witnesses as being “abnormal” and “peculiarly civilized.” One witness, a thirty-three-year-old mother of three named Samantha Connelly, said, “For them to sit there and talk quietly rather than scream? For them to remain seated rather than run around the restaurant? It’s not normal. I suspect child abuse.”

While Connelly was worried, other parents were downright angry, referring to the Jorgans as being “real showoffs.” “You can tell that they thought they were all high and mighty with their good manners and consideration for other diners,” said one parent Greg Tarcher. “And, by the way, what kind of names are Mark and Sarah? It’s almost as if their parents don’t even want them to be different from everyone else. Well, unfortunately for them, they’re different all right. You should’ve heard the way they were talking to their waiter. ‘Please.’ ‘Thank you.’ Fucking freaks.” Fellow witness Cheryl Jacobs echoed Tarcher’s comments, saying, “Children should be a reflection of their parents, which is why my husband and I try to raise our kids, Suny, Eljed, and Sycamore, with an arrogant sense of narcissistic self-entitlement.”

Pediatrician Ken Foley believes that Mark and Sarah Jorgans might suffer from Asperger Syndrome. “One symptom of Aspergers is a strict adherence to rules, a behavior that these children certainly display,” said Foley. “Either way, the disturbing question is this: who put these rules of civility and common courtesy into their heads in the first place?” Dave Driscoll, a Park Slope father of four, would also like an answer to that question, saying, “I moved to this neighborhood not just to show off the fact that I can afford it, but also so that I can show off the fact that I can afford to have an irresponsible number of children as well. That being said, when I take my kids to a restaurant, I specifically instruct them to make everyone else in the restaurant aware of their presence. Otherwise, what’s the point?””I know that it’s wrong to discriminate against the disabled,” said Park Slope parent Tom Beris, “but if those kids have Aspergers, they should just stay home. “My own kids, Cremora, Nantucket, and Brickden were really scared when they saw how quiet they were being.”

Thirty minutes after the Jorgans family left the restaurant, Mark and Sarah were immediately taken away from their parents by Child Protective Services and placed in foster homes.

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Sarah Palin Warns America: “You’ll Be Fucked With A Capital ‘R’ If You Elect Hillary”

WASILLA, AK– Former Alaska governor and 2008 vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin warned Americans that they will be “fucked with a capital ‘R'” if they elect Hillary Clinton for president. Palin issued the dire warning on Fox News’s The O’Reilly Factor.

“Um…I think you meant to say a capital ‘F,'” said the visibly nervous host, Bill O’Reilly. “Oh no,” responded Palin. “I meant what I said. If Hillary gets elected it will be a continuation of the last twelve years of the Obama administration.”

O’Reilly then cut to a commercial, and according to witnesses, was heard screaming, “Whoever booked this woman onto my show again is fucking fired!”

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Black Kid On Train: “Shit Yo Shit Son Mad Shit Mad Son Shit Yo Shit Son Shit Shit Mad Shit”


NEW YORK CITY– Stock prices plummeted yesterday to their lowest point since January 2015 after a black kid on the Brooklyn bound F train said, “Shit yo shit son mad shit mad son shit yo shit son shit shit mad shit.” The black kid’s reflections come just five days after a failed military coup in Turkey, and seven days after a terrorist attack killed 82 people in Nice, France.

NRA (National Rifle Association) president Wayne LaPierre said that the black kid’s comments are the “type of remarks that penalize responsible, law abiding gun owners.”

In Los Angeles, rapper Kanye West interrupted the People’s Choice Awards to express his support for the black kid’s comments, but in Kansas, the Westboro Baptist Church plans on picketing a random funeral to express their outrage over the young man’s remarks.

Evangelicals aren’t the only ones upset by the black kid’s views. Environmental activist and 350.org founder Bill McKibben said, “At a time in which human beings are pumping more CO2 into the atmosphere than at any time in our planet’s history, this kid might have single handedly set back the environmental movement by twenty years.”

President Obama urged Americans to remain calm in the wake of the black kid’s comments, saying, “Folks need to realize that while there is a lot of pain in our communities, the spirit of the American people cannot be broken.” House Speaker Paul Ryan called the president’s remarks “reckless,” saying, “What that black kid on the train was trying to express was the frustration of eight years of failed policies of this administration.”

At a campaign event in Nebraska, Hillary Clinton said that she takes the black kids opinions “seriously,” and hopes that his statement “can start a meaningful dialogue between the Israelis and the Palestinians.”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump told reporters, “No one speaks ghetto gibberish better than I do.”

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Actor Anton Yelchin’s Death Results in Murder of 50,000 Jeep Grand Cherokees

LOS ANGELES– Fifty-thousand Jeep Grand Cherokees have been hunted down and killed following the tragic death of Anton Yelchin, the actor who portrayed Checkov in the latest Star Trek reboot. Yelchin died last week after he was crushed by his Jeep Grand Cherokee. After putting it in park and exiting the vehicle, it mysteriously rolled backward, pinning the twenty-seven-year-old against a brick wall and a fence. Fiat Chrysler is the automaker of the Jeep Grand Cherokee, and their CEO, Matt O’Halloran, said that they “don’t take Mr. Yelchin’s death lightly. That is why we are working in conjunction with lawmakers to ensure that every Jeep Grand Cherokee in southern California is killed.” Hours later, President Obama signed a presidential order declaring that the killings take place in all fifty states. “No one likes having to carry out such an order,” he said, “but my number one priority as president is to keep folks safe.”

   Many, however, claim that the killings were anything but safe. Bethany Metford lives in the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York. She claims that employees of the city’s Department of Health and Human Services fired seven rounds of ammunition into a parked Jeep Grand Cherokee parked along Seventh Avenue. “My three kids, Calliope, Willip, and Huffington were standing about thirty feet away when it happened,” said the stay-at-home mom. “What if one of the bullets had ricocheted?” Other witnesses say that Metford’s safety concerns were “overblown.” “I witnessed the shooting too,” said Cynthia Squarro, “And at no point did I think that anyone in the neighborhood was in danger. I was, however, concerned with what the psychological effects might be on the children.” Squarro, who is a mommy blogger, wrote about how her two children cried when the Jeep Grand Cherokee was fired upon. “Topal was in hysterics, and Pegasus was inconsolable,” she wrote. Child psychologist Monique Soltani urges parents to set a good example by “not overreacting when they witness a vehicle being pumped full of lead.” “When your children ask you why the car had to die, gently explain to them that while most cars are nice, some cars tend to turn on people and try to kill them,” she said.

   The two presidential candidates weighed in on the controversy. At a campaign event in Illinois, Hillary Clinton told a packed crowd of supporters, “On the one hand, we want to respect people’s civil liberties. There have been multiple reports on how public safety officials have been entering people’s driveways, and even their garages, to shoot their Jeep Grand Cherokees. On the other hand, we want to recognize these cars for what they are, which are a very real and very dangerous threat to public safety. So our challenge going forward will be to figure out how to balance these two issues.” Meanwhile, Donald Trump told reporters, “Listen. No one knows more about the automotive industry than I do. And what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna build a wall around Fiat Chrysler and make them pay for it. In fact, that’s my answer to everything. Building walls. Nobody can build walls better than I can.”

Trump also said that while he supports the killing of the Jeep Grand Cherokees, “we should also be killing some of these sniveling car rights activists while we’re at it.” He was referring to those who, like Mercy For Cars founder Alyssa Slattery, thinks that the killings are “unnecessary.” “Why couldn’t they just move the dangerous cars to an enclosed car lot or a sanctuary?” Slattery asked. “What is with the knee-jerk solution to always kill?” Anne Marie Rovere is a car advocate who fights against what is known as CSL, or Car Specific Legislation. CSL is legislation that discriminates against specific models of cars. “When a Mini Cooper runs someone over,” said Rovere, “it does so as an individual car. But when a Jeep Grand Cherokee does it, it does so as a member of it’s model. It’s not fair.” Slattery echoed Rovere’s remarks, saying, “They could have brought in a car behavior expert to find out why it ran over Yelchin. But did they even bother? No. And I’m sure that a lot of people, despite the car’s behavioral issues, wouldn’t have minded driving it.” Then, with tears in her eyes, Slattery lamented, “The car didn’t know what it was doing. It’s not as if it’s an alligator or something. Unlike gorillas, cars are sentient beings who can feel pain. They’re not like sharks or bears.”

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Missed Connections 1

Psychology Section at Barnes and Noble–m4w (Union Square)

We talked about CBT and you go to Hunter like me. Write back if you see this! I showed you a web site to use and we discussed your Russian heritage and my computer programming projects. You seemed fun and open minded. I had asked you to join me for coffee.


(To be read out loud in a Russian accent)


   Da. I read your Craigslist post. Remind again what this CBT is you speak of. And what is this–how do you say–“fun?” In my country there is no such thing. It is minus thirty degrees in winter. Icicles hang from Vladimir Putin’s testicles. That is why he is such son of bitch. As for coffee, to quote your movie star Matt Damon in movie Good Will Hunting, “Maybe we can just get together and eat a bunch of caramels.” Matt Damon came to Moscow to film Bourne Surpremacy. He was sexy, but now is fat. Too many caramels. Ha ha! That was joke. We don’t have many jokes in Mother Russia. Fear of former KGB still quite real. Because of this, when we come to USA, we live life to fullest. So let’s not waste time with coffee. Let us drink vodka and have sex on Brighton Beach. It will be nice as long as we don’t get cut by broken bottles in sand.