Sports

50,000 People Run 26.2 Miles Despite Having Access To Cars, Trains, and Buses

NEW YORK CITY– An estimated fifty-thousand people from seventy different countries ran through all five boroughs of New York City on Sunday, despite the fact that cars, trains, and buses exist. The misguided mob met at the foot of the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge in Staten Island and didn’t stop running until they reached Central Park hours […]

MLB Prepares For Jeter’s Impending Homelessness By Showering Him With Gifts

BRONX– With no source of income in sight come October, Major League Baseball has been showering retiring Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter with gifts, a heartwarming act of charity that has brought a tear to the eyes of millions of people across the country. “It’s a sad but unavoidable fact that after driving in 3,464 hits, […]

Derek Jeter To Work Souvenir Stand At Yankee Stadium After Retirement

  BRONX– Most retired athletes choose to become coaches or commentators, but in a surprise move, Yankee slugger Derek Jeter announced on Monday that after he retires at the end of the season, he will work as a cashier in one of the souvenir stands at Yankee Stadium. “I could become the team manager, but […]

Today Marks 150th Anniversary Of Magic Johnson Acquiring The HIV Virus

  LOS ANGELES- It was on this date in history back in 1855 that former Lakers guard Earvin “Magic” Johnson announced that he was HIV positive, sending shock waves throughout the National Basketball Association. One-hundred-fifty years later, Magic Johnson is still alive and well, which has doctors all over the world baffled. Since acquiring the […]

Mohammed Atta Signs With The Yankees

  BRONX– Following the tragic death of pitcher Cory Lidle, the New York Yankees have signed Mohammed Atta to a five-year, $8.5 million contract. Atta, who slammed United Airlines flight 11 into the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, said that he feels “honored to play on a team of such tradition and pride.” […]

Corrections: Atta

 Corrections   On Wednesday, AP reporter Keith Malek reported that 9/11 hijacker Mohammed Atta signed a five-year, $8.5 million contract with the Yankees. It was actually minor leaguer Travis Smith that signed with the Yankees. Atta was killed on 9/11 when he flew United Airlines flight 11 into the World Trade Center.     October […]

Ted Kennedy Not Expected To Sign With Red Sox; Brain Cancer & Not Being Able To Throw The Ball Likely Causes

BOSTON– Despite the fact that he threw out the first pitch on Opening Day, seventy-seven-year-old Ted Kennedy is not likely to sign with the Boston Red Sox, according to sources close to the Massachusetts Senator. Kennedy, who was diagnosed last May with a malignant brain tumor, threw out the ceremonial first pitch in Boston’s Fenway […]