Non-journalism

America Deserves a Trump Presidency

A supporter once called out, “Governor Stevenson, all thinking people are for you!” And Adlai Stevenson answered, “That’s not enough. I need a majority.”                                    –Scott Simon A panoply of emotions are acceptable regarding the outcome of the 2016 election–dread, anger, sadness–but one thing that you are not allowed to feel is surprise. If you’re […]

Why Olivia Wilde Needs To Have A Miscarriage

I normally consider it to be beneath me to have an opinion on a matter pertaining to celebrity gossip, but the story of Olivia Wilde’s hissy fit regarding pregnant women on the train is worth exploring. Wilde tweeted that people who don’t give up their seats on the train to pregnant women are “selfish.” When […]

Obscure Lives Matter

In his speech at the RNC, a delusional Antonio Sabato Jr. said, “I don’t care if Hollywood rejects me for supporting Donald Trump.” Soap operas are not Hollywood, and Antonio Sabato Jr. was on a soap opera twenty years ago, which was probably before he even knew whether he was a Republican or a Democrat. […]

Jerk Hut

Jerk Hut 231-07 Merrick Blvd Jamaica, NY 11413 Dear Jerk Hut, Yesterday, I was traveling on the Q6 bus when I spotted your restaurant, and now I have a few questions. Do you only serve jerks at your establishment (like Pizza Hut, but for jerks)? If so, what, in your opinion, constitutes a jerk?  Is […]

Pop Quiz, Hotshot!

I was riding the Q6 bus in Queens last night, and I asked the bus driver if someone who has never driven a bus can instantly figure out how to do it like Sandra Bullock did in Speed. He said that it’s not much different from driving a car, but that there’s a trick to […]

It Gets Funnier Every Day: An Essay About My Former Neighbors

This is an essay about my former neighbors, who I will call the Garza family. I used to live in an illegal, non-soundproofed basement apartment in a house in which the family upstairs from me consisted of a “mother,” a “father,” and their three spawn. These spawn, who all have names that begin with the […]

Dear Roanirt

A woman from Miami by the name of Roanirt Alviarez Aguais lost her drivers license on the F train. I found it and mailed it to her with the following letter: Dear Roanirt, You probably thought that “F” stands for “Fuck! I lost my drivers license!” But as you can see, you would be wrong. […]