National

Sarah Palin Warns America: “You’ll Be Fucked With A Capital ‘R’ If You Elect Hillary”

WASILLA, AK– Former Alaska governor and 2008 vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin warned Americans that they will be “fucked with a capital ‘R’” if they elect Hillary Clinton for president. Palin issued the dire warning on Fox News’s The O’Reilly Factor. “Um…I think you meant to say a capital ‘F,’” said the visibly nervous host, […]

Black Kid On Train: “Shit Yo Shit Son Mad Shit Mad Son Shit Yo Shit Son Shit Shit Mad Shit”

  NEW YORK CITY– Stock prices plummeted yesterday to their lowest point since January 2015 after a black kid on the Brooklyn bound F train said, “Shit yo shit son mad shit mad son shit yo shit son shit shit mad shit.” The black kid’s reflections come just five days after a failed military coup […]

Actor Anton Yelchin’s Death Results in Murder of 50,000 Jeep Grand Cherokees

LOS ANGELES– Fifty-thousand Jeep Grand Cherokees have been hunted down and killed following the tragic death of Anton Yelchin, the actor who portrayed Checkov in the latest Star Trek reboot. Yelchin died last week after he was crushed by his Jeep Grand Cherokee. After putting it in park and exiting the vehicle, it mysteriously rolled […]

Man Asks Woman Her Age

BRAINY BORO, NJ– A stunned nation is reeling after a Kinkos employee asked his female co-worker her age. The shocking breach of decorum was committed by forty-seven-year-old William Mersen, who claims that he wanted to know her age in order to determine if she would understand some of his “older pop culture references.” But the […]

Ebola Messes With Texas

TEXAS– Despite the old adage that one is not supposed to do so, the ebola virus has messed with Texas. On October 8, a Liberian man died in a Dallas hospital after contracting the disease, and it was learned earlier this week that the man infected at least two of his nurses. “The fact that […]

Frustrated Commuter Attempts To Make Train Go Faster By Sighing And Shaking Her Head

QUEENS, NY—Slow service on the 179th Street bound F train led one frustrated commuter to take matters into her own hands. According to eyewitnesses, twenty-six-year-old Rachel Rowe began to sigh heavily and shake her head Tuesday morning when the conductor announced that passengers would be momentarily delayed due to train traffic ahead of them. The […]

Eight-Year-Old Launches Dramatic, 20 Minute Long Hunger Strike

KILL DEVIL HILLS, NC– A debate between a child and her parents quickly escalated into a dangerous act of civil disobedience on Monday, when Christine Pruva refused to eat her dinner. Her defiance was in response to her parents decision to not allow her to stay up until nine o’clock to watch the television program […]