Local

Driving Instructor Who Takes Mass Transit Doesn’t Give A Fuck How His Students Drive

  NEW YORK CITY– A driving instructor who commutes by trains and buses does not give a fuck how his students drive. According to his students, forty-five-year-old Russell Porter automatically passes everyone despite paying little to no attention to their driving skills. One former student, Michael Giordano, told reporters that “all he does is read […]

Area Couple’s Well Behaved Children Must Have Something Wrong With Them

BROOKLYN, NY– An eight-year-old and a six-year-old aroused a great deal of suspicion in a Park Slope restaurant on Saturday night when they quietly enjoyed their meals without disturbing other people. The children, Mark and Sarah Jorgans, were described by witnesses as being “abnormal” and “peculiarly civilized.” One witness, a thirty-three-year-old mother of three named […]

Weatherman Fired After First 80 Degree Day Sparks On-Air “Pussy Season” Comment

NEW YORK CITY– CBS2 News meteorologist John Elliot has always been enthusiastic about the weather, but his enthusiasm landed him in hot water on Monday after he referred to the 80 degree temperature as being “the official start of Pussy Season.” Elliot, who joined the CBS2 News team back in 2007, was referring to the […]

Man Named Richard Insists On Being Called Dick

UNO, PENNSYLVANIA–Local resident Richard Charon insists on being called Dick, despite several alternatives. Charon, an investment banker, is well aware that he could be called Richard, Rich, Rick, or Ricky, but insists that Dick is a perfectly acceptable moniker. “I have no problem with it,” he said. “No problem at all.” Other people born with […]

Area Man Fails To Check Himself, Wrecks Himself

EAST NEW YORK– A Brooklyn teen is dead after ignoring the advice of his assailant. Nineteen-year-old Devon Grimes suffered multiple gun shot wounds to the neck and torso after failing to check himself. The wrecked teen’s controversial decision led to the subsequent arrest of twenty-two-year-old Laquondo Brown, who was apprehended later that evening by police […]

Man Playing Air Guitar Clearly Has No Idea How To Play Real Guitar

HORSEHEADS, NY– Steve Jensen’s lack of real life musical skills were clearly on display Thursday night at Sullivan’s Irish Pub in Horseheads, New York. In a move that one witness referred to as “embarrassing to even watch, much less participate in,” the  thirty-five-year-old Jensen performed a series of strange gyrations when the 1989 Motley Crue […]

Area Woman Hates Hospitals

JERKWATER, PA– While visiting the bedside of her mother at St. Anthony’s Hospital in Jerkwater, Pennsylvania, forty-six-year-old Mary Helmreich told reporters that she “hates hospitals.”    Helmreich, who according to family members has a long history of saying things that are “obvious and unoriginal,” did not appear to know that almost no one likes hospitals. […]