“Hilarity Ensues” As Kiefer Sutherland Called To Register 24 At Trader Joe’s

LOS ANGELES– The life of a Trader Joe’s employee ended in a much needed act of violence on Sunday when twenty-six-year-old Simon Densen informed actor Kiefer Sutherland that he could proceed with his shopping cart to register number twenty-four. “Ha ha! Twenty-four! What a coincidence, right?” asked the over-enthusiastic Densen. Sutherland politely responded with fake […]

Jessica Alba Pregnant With Keith Malek’s Child

  BROOKLYN– Hollywood actress Jessica Alba is expecting her first child with boyfriend Keith Malek. “I can confirm that Jessica and Keith are expecting a baby in late spring/early summer,” Alba’s publicist, Brad Cafarella said on Monday in an e-mail to the Associated Press. Alba, 26, stars in the new thriller Awake, and recently appeared […]

Not Knowing How Else To End Toy Story 4, Martin Scorcese Has Every Character Kill Each Other

HOLLYWOOD– In a surprising twist to the final installment of the successful Disney Pixar franchise, Toy Story 4 is being directed by the legendary Martin Scorcese, a bold move that is making many parents question whether or not they want to allow their children to see it. The film will be released in 2013, but […]

Axl Rose Wants Release Of ‘Chinese Democracy’ To Coincide With Collapse Of World Economy

  LOS ANGELES– Now that the entire world economy is about to collapse, Axl Rose sees this as being the perfect time to release Chinese Democracy, the Guns N Roses album that he has been working on for more than fourteen years. “I wanted to wait until everyone could no longer afford to buy it,” […]

Two Days After Getting Married, Eva Longoria Has An Affair With Keith Malek

  NEW YORK CITY– Eva Longoria really is a desperate housewife after all. Two days after marrying NBA guard Tony Parker, Longoria, 32, was seen performing fellatio on Keith Malek in the back of a New York City taxi. The taxi was stopped at a red light in Chinatown when, seconds later, police officer Lawrence […]

Heath Ledger Unlikely To Attend 2009 Academy Awards

LOS ANGELES– Despite the fact that he has been nominated for Best Actor for his role in The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger will not be attending the 2009 Academy Awards, sources close to the dead actor said yesterday. “I’m sure that Heath would be honored by the nomination,” said Ledger’s ex-wife, Michelle Williams, “but at […]

God Ruled Out As Suspect In Heath Ledger’s Death

NEW YORK CITY– Heath Ledger’s autopsies have been concluded, and despite the fact that he once portrayed a gay cowboy in the film Brokeback Mountain, God has been ruled out as a suspect in the twenty-eight-year-old actor’s death. “After a thorough investigation of Mr. Ledger’s apartment, there was no indication of foul play, either by […]