Keith Malek

50,000 People Run 26.2 Miles Despite Having Access To Cars, Trains, and Buses

NEW YORK CITY– An estimated fifty-thousand people from seventy different countries ran through all five boroughs of New York City on Sunday, despite the fact that cars, trains, and buses exist. The misguided mob met at the foot of the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge in Staten Island and didn’t stop running until they reached Central Park hours […]

“May You Live In Interesting Times” Says Creepy Chinese Man Before Entering Voting Booth

HAIGHT, MI- Violent clashes with police and the National Guard erupted for the fourth night in a row in the former United States on Saturday, leaving thousands dead and hundreds injured. The chaos comes amid reports that a creepy Chinese man delivered a curse upon the American people on Tuesday before entering the voting booth. […]

America Deserves a Trump Presidency

A supporter once called out, “Governor Stevenson, all thinking people are for you!” And Adlai Stevenson answered, “That’s not enough. I need a majority.”                                    –Scott Simon A panoply of emotions are acceptable regarding the outcome of the 2016 election–dread, anger, sadness–but one thing that you are not allowed to feel is surprise. If you’re […]

Why Olivia Wilde Needs To Have A Miscarriage

I normally consider it to be beneath me to have an opinion on a matter pertaining to celebrity gossip, but the story of Olivia Wilde’s hissy fit regarding pregnant women on the train is worth exploring. Wilde tweeted that people who don’t give up their seats on the train to pregnant women are “selfish.” When […]

Florida, New York: A Short Story Based on Norman Rockwell’s “The Gossips”

Author’s Note: Florida, New York is a small, irrelevant village located about 75 miles outside of New York City, in Orange County. He didn’t even have a chance to unpack a single item before the first roach appeared on his doorstep. “Hi there,” said Mary Teltofski, a woman in her seventies. “I’m Mary. I just […]

Craigslist Missed Connections: For you…my YOU (w4m)

R– This is 4 U. Maybe the right “r” maybe wrong… Anyways…all good things to you, always. M NOT MICHELLE     NOT MARIA NOT MARIA            NOT MARGARET NOT MELISSA        NOT MARGUERITE Dear MARIA (I’ll get to this in a moment), My parents always taught me to act grateful when I receive a gift, even if I […]

Obscure Lives Matter

In his speech at the RNC, a delusional Antonio Sabato Jr. said, “I don’t care if Hollywood rejects me for supporting Donald Trump.” Soap operas are not Hollywood, and Antonio Sabato Jr. was on a soap opera twenty years ago, which was probably before he even knew whether he was a Republican or a Democrat. […]