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“May You Live In Interesting Times” Says Creepy Chinese Man Before Entering Voting Booth

HAIGHT, MI- Violent clashes with police and the National Guard erupted for the fourth night in a row in the former United States on Saturday, leaving thousands dead and hundreds injured. The chaos comes amid reports that a creepy Chinese man delivered a curse upon the American people on Tuesday before entering the voting booth. According to witnesses, the man who has now been identified as forty-two-year-old Chang Long Chan, screamed, “May you live in interesting times,” just before he stepped into the voting booth and casted his vote for Donald Trump. “He didn’t even bother to close the curtain behind him,” said one witness, forty-five-year-old Frank Venezia. “He wanted everyone to know the meaning behind his curse.”

Despite what Chan might have wanted, his message was lost on many. “What’s wrong with living in interesting times?” said Miami, Florida resident Melanie Hodges. “It sounds like fun.” But to those who understood Chan’s message, like Lee Hom Wang, Professor of Chinese History and Culture at Princeton University, living in interesting times will be anything but fun. “By ‘interesting’ he’s referring to the fact that the water supply in all fifty states will be poisoned after Trump gets rid of the EPA,” said Wang. “It will be interesting when Trump appoints Ted Nugent to the Supreme Court and Vladimir Putin to head the Department of Homeland Security. Trust me when I tell you, you don’t want to live in interesting times.”

Still, some are skeptical. “There’s no such thing as curses,” said Chicago resident Chris Pawling. “I think that was made pretty obvious a couple of weeks ago when the Cubs won the World Series.” One group who is at least investigating the possibility that curses are real is the Department of Justice. Said an unnamed spokesman, “There are plenty of protections against voter fraud, but none against curses. Either way, the DOJ and several other governmental organizations are taking this matter quite seriously.”

In the ensuing four days since the presidential election, heavily populated Chinese neighborhoods in New York City, San Francisco, Atlanta, and fifteen other cities have been burned to the ground. In a nationally televised address, President Obama urged Americans to “remain calm,” saying, “We can’t be randomly targeting decent, hard-working Chinese-Americans just because of the actions of one extremely deranged individual. Yes, the curse that this man unleashed while stepping into the voting booth will open the seventh seal to the apocalypse, but that’s irrelevant. The point is that folks need to do better than that.”

In a rare display of tolerance, president-elect Trump echoed the president’s remarks, saying, “As Americans, we need to come together, so that I can make America great again. And besides, curses aren’t real. Trust me. No one knows more about curses than I do. And if they are real, I’m going to end them. I’m going to end curses bigly. I will end curses so fast it will be unbelievable.”

Unfortunately, Trump’s calls for unity have fallen upon deaf ears among his supporters. One of his them, Cleetus Von Bohunt, told reporters, “I don’t believe in no curses, but we gotta get them Chinese outta this here country. Not only are they taking all our jobs, but before you know it, they’ll be making pee pee in our Coke.”

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