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Craigslist Missed Connections: For you…my YOU (w4m)

SunRise

R–

This is 4 U. Maybe the right “r” maybe wrong…
Anyways…all good things to you, always.

M

NOT MICHELLE     NOT MARIA
NOT MARIA            NOT MARGARET
NOT MELISSA        NOT MARGUERITE

Dear MARIA (I’ll get to this in a moment),

My parents always taught me to act grateful when I receive a gift, even if I hate the gift. That rule, like most rules, has its limits, and this is one of those times. I appreciate the thought of you posting a picture of the sunrise in my honor. However, I am not a morning person, and you should have considered this. (Fun Fact #1: Dysania is the state of finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning. Fun Fact#2: Pandiculation is an overall stretching and yawning upon waking or going to bed).

It also must be stated that I have no time for guessing games. I’m currently working on trying to solve the murder of that jogger in Howard Beach, and unlike you, the killer didn’t leave a note signed with the initial of their first name, or a note that read, “NOT Charles Manson, NOT Jefferey Dahmer, NOT O.J. Simpson,” etc. But fine. I could use a brief respite from the Howard Beach case, so I will briefly go along with your guessing game.

Is this Mary? Monique? Madeline? Megan? Is this Mr.Miagi? Probably not, because this post is listed as W4M, not M4M. Plus, Mr. Miagi is two “M”s, which you didn’t write. So that also leaves out Marshall Mathers, Marshall McLuhan, Mickey Mouse, Mr. Magoo, and Mickey Mantle. You said that you are not Michelle, Melissa, Margaret, or Marguerite. Based on this, I can rule out Michelle Obama, Melissa Etheridge, Margaret Thatcher, and Marguerite…um…anyone named Marguerite.I will not, however, rule out tennis great Maria Sharapova–or anyone else named Maria–despite the fact that you told me to twice. In fact, it is precisely because you told me twice that I suspect this is indeed someone named Maria. Normal people don’t go around insisting that they’re innocent of things that they haven’t yet been accused of. For example, in April of 1983, I was staying in a hotel in Philadelphia when Bill Cosby and some woman emerged from the room down the hall from me. The woman was crying, and apropos of nothing, Cosby shouted, “I DIDN’T RAPE HER!” There was no need for him to tell me that, especially since I was four years old and didn’t know what “rape” meant. It was only about five years after my run-in with “Dr. Huxtable” that Matell released the most boring game in the history of board games: Guess Who?

–Do you have long hair?
–No.
–Is your hair brown?
–Yes.
–Do you have freckles?
–Yes.
–You’re Tom!

Wow! The process of elimination! That’s some exciting shit right there! If only the Howard Beach murder case was that easy to solve. (Fun Fact #3: There’s a fifty mile radius within the Idaho part of Yellowstone National Park where murder is legal because there’s a judicial no-man’s land). Speaking of murder, the board game Clue was basically the same thing as Guess Who, but with a darker twist. I didn’t particularly care for that board game either. I was more of a Jenga guy, but ever since 9/11, I find myself incapable of playing it.

Back to your Craigslist post. I’m quite insulted that you posted this picture of the sun for me and wrote, “Maybe the right ‘r,’ maybe wrong.” Well it’s nice to know that you can be so blase about the whole thing. What if I were to say to you,”Hey, I bought you a present. I put it in a gift-wrapped box and left it on a random street corner in Manhattan. I’m not telling you which street corner. Hopefully, you’ll figure it out, and hopefully, you’ll pick up the box before someone else does. But if not, hey, whatever. Shit happens. Oh and by the way, I’m not telling you my name either. It starts with a “Z,”but it’s not Zorro or Zeus.” I don’t think you would like that very much.

You wished that I receive “all good things, always.” But if you’re not even sure that I’m the right “R,” why would you risk giving me all good things? What if I’m the wrong “R,” and now I have all good things, but then the right “R” comes along, and he’s left with nothing? Besides, a quick reading of the tale of King Midas should serve as a proper warning on why one person should not receive all good things, always.

In closing, I would like to reiterate that it was not my wish to seem ungrateful. But in the future, you must do better. And as for the Howard Beach murder, I’m starting to strongly suspect that the killer was Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick.

Sincerely,

R

NOT the Roadrunner      NOT Ricky Ricardo
NOT Ryan Gosling           NOT Rhonda Rousey
NOT Run DMC                  NOT Reshma Ramharack

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