Archive | July 2016
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NEW YORK CITY– A driving instructor who commutes by trains and buses does not give a fuck how his students drive. According to his students, forty-five-year-old Russell Porter automatically passes everyone despite paying little to no attention to their driving skills. One former student, Michael Giordano, told reporters that “all he does is read […]
BROOKLYN, NY– An eight-year-old and a six-year-old aroused a great deal of suspicion in a Park Slope restaurant on Saturday night when they quietly enjoyed their meals without disturbing other people. The children, Mark and Sarah Jorgans, were described by witnesses as being “abnormal” and “peculiarly civilized.” One witness, a thirty-three-year-old mother of three named […]
WASILLA, AK– Former Alaska governor and 2008 vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin warned Americans that they will be “fucked with a capital ‘R’” if they elect Hillary Clinton for president. Palin issued the dire warning on Fox News’s The O’Reilly Factor. “Um…I think you meant to say a capital ‘F,’” said the visibly nervous host, […]
NEW YORK CITY– Stock prices plummeted yesterday to their lowest point since January 2015 after a black kid on the Brooklyn bound F train said, “Shit yo shit son mad shit mad son shit yo shit son shit shit mad shit.” The black kid’s reflections come just five days after a failed military coup […]