231-07 Merrick Blvd
Dear Jerk Hut,
Yesterday, I was traveling on the Q6 bus when I spotted your restaurant, and now I have a few questions.
Do you only serve jerks at your establishment (like Pizza Hut, but for jerks)? If so, what, in your opinion, constitutes a jerk? Is a jerk someone who places their order in a rude manner? Or do they constantly change their order halfway through? Do they order their food but then send it back? Or does their jerkiness have nothing at all to do with their restaurant behavior? For example, are your patrons jerks all the time in their daily lives, and now you’ve opened a place where they can “break bread” together and enjoy the comraderie of their fellow jerks? If so, I applaud you. I know that most people would frown upon such an establishment, but I feel that you are doing God’s work. And I’ll be the first person to admit that I too, can be a bit of a jerk sometimes. How?
I like to go to funerals, find the grief stricken widow, and flirtatiously ask, “So?…You come here often?”
Here’s another jerky thing that I do. There’s a martial arts school in my neighborhood, and I always see little kids walking over there dressed in their karate uniforms. I wish I could say that I have enough self-control to not punch them and then tell them that they should get their money back. I wish I could say that, but I would be lying. The truth is that I do indeed punch them, and with that being said, I’ll have the #4, not too spicy. DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? NOT TOO SPICY! EVERY TIME I COME INTO THIS FUCKING PLACE YOU SET MY GOD DAMN MOUTH ON FIRE! And I’ll have a ginger ale with that. No. Make it a Coke. No. A ginger ale. No. A Coke. Better yet, a ginger ale. (Was that jerky enough?).
I apologize for asking so many questions, but the reason why I’m writing to you is because, for years, I dreamed of establishing a similar restaurant. This dream was first born back in the year 2000, when I worked as a waiter at a Friendly’s restaurant in Middletown, New York. Me and a couple of my co-workers came up with the brilliant idea of opening up a restaurant chain called Unfriendly’s, in which servers would be really mean to the customers. One idea consisted of the menu being written in the abbreviations that the servers were trained to write in. So a Big Bacon Cheeseburger was a BBCH, and at Unfriendly’s, when a customer asks what that is, servers would tell them, “That doesn’t concern you. Do you want it or not?” Unfortunately, Friendly’s corporate legal team did not find the idea of Unfriendly’s to be nearly as brilliant as we did, and that particular dream remains unrealized. Langston Hughes once wrote:
What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore–and then run?
Well, I’m living proof of what happens when dreams get deferred; eight-year-olds in karate uniforms end up getting punched in the face! That’s where you come in. Unfriendly’s will never open, but I have many similar ideas, and with your experience in establishing Jerk Hut, I was hoping that you and I could collaborate and open a restaurant similar to Jerk Hut called Asshole King. Asshole King won’t be like Unfriendly’s. The idea of Unfriendly’s was that the clientele would be assholes and the patrons would be nice. At Asshole King, the clientele will be nice, but we will only serve patrons who are assholes. Please know that I’m not “married to” the name Asshole King. If you wish to collaborate with me and you come up with a better name, I’m open to suggestions. In fact, I’m seriously considering calling my restaurant Vito’s House of Douchebags. It helps if you pronounce Vito’s House of Douchebags as if you’re an Italian-American from Bensonhurst, Brooklyn. Or maybe I should say the small pocket of Bensonhurst that still has Italian-Americans. Bensonhurst is now predominantly Chinese-American, which reminds me that I want to open up a Chinese restaurant that has scantily clad women serving the food, and I will call it Food Ho’s. But I mustn’t get ahead of myself. For now, I will focus all of my time and energy on Asshole King/Vito’s House of Douchebags. I am very confident that this will be a successful business venture, and if it is, I think we should use the profits to open up a second Jerk Hut, only this time, it will be located at Columbus Circle and will be called The Circle Jerk. But again, we must not get ahead of ourselves. One thing at a time.
And if, by some small chance, your restaurant is called Jerk Hut because you serve the Jamaican dish Jerk Chicken, I’ll have you know that I strongly object to this. It’s bad enough that you’re killing a chicken and eating him. You don’t need to add to his misery by calling him a jerk.
cc: The Jerky Boys
Jabba The Hut