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“Hilarity Ensues” As Kiefer Sutherland Called To Register 24 At Trader Joe’s

LOS ANGELES– The life of a Trader Joe’s employee ended in a much needed act of violence on Sunday when twenty-six-year-old Simon Densen informed actor Kiefer Sutherland that he could proceed with his shopping cart to register number twenty-four. “Ha ha! Twenty-four! What a coincidence, right?” asked the over-enthusiastic Densen.

Sutherland politely responded with fake laughter and said, “Yeah. I guess so. How about that?”

“Out of all thirty-six cash registers here, you just happened to get called to twenty-four!” replied Densen, making reference to the hit Fox television series that Sutherland stars in.

“What are the chances of that? A thousand to one?” Sutherland responded to the idiot, knowing full well that the chances were a mere one in thirty-six. But according to witnesses, Densen wouldn’t let it go.

“You probably think I did that on purpose,” said Densen as he began to follow Sutherland to the cash register. “But I swear that it was just a coincidence.”

“I know,” said Sutherland,” who secretly wished to purchase his ten six-packs of beer in silence.

“I mean, I have no idea how long it will take my co-workers to ring up and bag a customer’s items! You just happened to be next in line when register twenty-four became available!” He then laughed loudly and said, “This is incredible!”

Sutherland said nothing, but this didn’t stop Densen from engaging in what he most likely found to be the height of wit–making reference to Sutherland’s character on 24. “Please don’t go all Jack Bauer on me by tying me to a chair and demanding why I sent you here,” he said while continuing to laugh. Densen followed this up by pointing an imaginary gun at Sutherland’s kneecap and screaming, “Tell me who sent you here!” The high school dropout then pretended to pull the trigger, and, in the voice of the character being shot, screamed in pain and shouted, “Tony Almeda from CTU!”
By this point, Sutherland had reached the cash register and had his back completely turned to Densen, who said to his co-worker, Martin Pelding, “Hey, Martin! Look! It’s Kiefer Sutherland here at register…twenty-four! Ha! I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear!”

“Pay no attention to him,” Pelding quietly told Sutherland. “He thinks everything in the world is hysterical. The guy is a complete retard.” Sutherland, who started to wish that he had never become an actor, nodded his head, but his anger began to build as Densen said to Pelding, “And make sure you bag his items properly. Otherwise, he’ll be like ‘Damn it!'” Sutherland says “Damn it” often on 24, and instead of tending to the next customer like he should have been, Densen laughed at is own use of the catch-phrase.

“By that point, I could tell that he wasn’t going to do any work until Kiefer left the store,” said Pelding, adding that he “felt so bad for him.”

Seconds later, just as Densen made a reference to “President David Palmer,” a character on 24 played by Dennis Haysbert, Sutherland snapped Densen’s neck, killing him instantly. “No regrets,” said Sutherland to Densen’s body, making reference to the slogan in the Jose Cuervo tequila ads that he stars in. “Get it? You would’ve liked that joke, right, you prick?”

Most of the customers broke into a round of applause upon witnessing the murder. One of those customers was Kriss Schaeffer, who said, “It was one of those weird, life-imitates-art scenarios. The way he broke that guy’s neck, he instantly transformed into Jack Bauer.” “The guy definitely deserved it though,”added Schaeffer. “I mean, Sutherland is on 24 and he was at register 24. So what? Stranger things have happened.”

Not everyone agrees with Schaeffer. Trader Joe’s shopper Lindsay Teed also witnessed the murder and said, “If Kiefer Sutherland can’t deal with people wanting to talk to him, he shouldn’t have become a movie star.” Teed admits, however, that she was too far away to hear the conversation that proceeded the murder.

“I don’t care how corny my son’s sense of humor might have been. He didn’t deserve to die,” said Densen’s mother, Patricia, who is looking to press charges against the forty-eight-year-old actor. “Yes, it was annoying how, whenever someone would go on an angry rant, Simon would say, ‘Don’t hold back. Tell us how you really feel.’ Or how, if he ate every bite of his dinner in a restaurant, he would jokingly tell the waiter that he didn’t like his meal, but…yeah, come to think of it, he probably did deserve to die.”

24 is on Fox on Monday nights. Check your local listings.


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