Archive | May 2015

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Jerk Hut

Jerk Hut 231-07 Merrick Blvd Jamaica, NY 11413 Dear Jerk Hut, Yesterday, I was traveling on the Q6 bus when I spotted your restaurant, and now I have a few questions. Do you only serve jerks at your establishment (like Pizza Hut, but for jerks)? If so, what, in your opinion, constitutes a jerk?  Is […]

This Change That I Found In The Sofa Should Definitely Improve My Credit Score

I know it’s not polite to talk about money, but I just removed the cushion from the sofa, and it’s like fucking Fort Knox in here! Okay, so I exaggerate a bit, but according to my calculations, I have an additional $3.67 which, if I were to apply it to my monthly credit card bill, […]

Weatherman Fired After First 80 Degree Day Sparks On-Air “Pussy Season” Comment

NEW YORK CITY– CBS2 News meteorologist John Elliot has always been enthusiastic about the weather, but his enthusiasm landed him in hot water on Monday after he referred to the 80 degree temperature as being “the official start of Pussy Season.” Elliot, who joined the CBS2 News team back in 2007, was referring to the […]

Man Named Richard Insists On Being Called Dick

UNO, PENNSYLVANIA–Local resident Richard Charon insists on being called Dick, despite several alternatives. Charon, an investment banker, is well aware that he could be called Richard, Rich, Rick, or Ricky, but insists that Dick is a perfectly acceptable moniker. “I have no problem with it,” he said. “No problem at all.” Other people born with […]

“Hilarity Ensues” As Kiefer Sutherland Called To Register 24 At Trader Joe’s

LOS ANGELES– The life of a Trader Joe’s employee ended in a much needed act of violence on Sunday when twenty-six-year-old Simon Densen informed actor Kiefer Sutherland that he could proceed with his shopping cart to register number twenty-four. “Ha ha! Twenty-four! What a coincidence, right?” asked the over-enthusiastic Densen. Sutherland politely responded with fake […]