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Man Asks Woman Her Age

BRAINY BORO, NJ– A stunned nation is reeling after a Kinkos employee asked his female co-worker her age. The shocking breach of decorum was committed by forty-seven-year-old William Mersen, who claims that he wanted to know her age in order to determine if she would understand some of his “older pop culture references.” But the recipient of the question (who wishes to remain anonymous) said that she “never felt more violated.”

   President Obama ordered that the nation’s flags be flown at half staff, and led the country in a moment of silence from the White House Rose Garden. The moment of silence was followed by the gentle ringing of thirty-two bells, one for each year that the anonymous woman has been alive. “Our nation has had its share of tragedies, but it has also had its triumphs,” said the president. “This unspeakable event serves as a reminder that as we begin the long and painful healing process, Americans can count on each other for strength and comfort.” And even though no violence has occurred, the president has deployed National Guard troops to Brainy Boro as a “precautionary step” following the thousands of death threats that Mersen has received through social media. “I understand that the overwhelming majority of folks who have flocked to Brainy Boro are there to lay down wreaths and candles at the site where the offensive question was asked,” the president told reporters. “But to the small minority of those who are there to do harm to Mr. Mersen, I urge you to remain calm and to not take matters into your own hands.”

   Mersen needs all the help he can get . A recent Pew Poll revealed that more than ninety-eight percent of Americans find it to be “highly offensive” to ask a woman her age, and even the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) refused to support Mersen. “The ACLU has always enjoyed it’s reputation of being our nation’s most stalwart defender of free speech, no matter how distasteful that speech may be,” said ACLU president Daniel Hendricks Simon. “But asking a woman her age is just plain disgusting, and that question has no place in a civilized society.”

   Mersen’s distasteful question might have long term economic impacts as well. Foreign investors immediately pulled their money out of US owned assets, causing a 20 point plunge in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Many financial reporters have even begun to refer to the scandal as “Age Gate.”

   One segment of society that might be benefiting from the Age Gate scandal is the church. People of all faiths have been returning to the church in record numbers, a trend that, according to Catholic League president Ken Foley, is “common after a massive tragedy.” “In times of unspeakable pain, people turn to the church for answers,” he said. Not everyone agrees with Foley, and one of those detractors is the Pope himself. “A lot of people are wondering how, if God exists, He can be so cruel and uncaring as to allow someone to ask a woman her age,” said Pope Francis, who, upon taking the reins of the Catholic church in 2013 changed the church’s official motto to “Hey, whatever makes your boat float.” “And to be honest with you,” he said, “I don’t have an answer. Look, if coming back to the church gives you comfort, do it. If it doesn’t, if you just want to stay home and smoke a joint, that’s cool too. Whatevs.”

   As for Mersen, while he said that he hopes to put the incident behind him, he has certainly been no stranger to controversy. His lack of social etiquette made headlines back in 2010 when he brought up both religion and politics at a dinner party. For now, Mernsen said that he “has learned his lesson” and will “never again say anything that will offend women so badly.” He then added, “I didn’t realize that when you ask a woman her age, those cunts get really upset.” 

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