Archive | November 2014

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Area Man Fails To Check Himself, Wrecks Himself

EAST NEW YORK– A Brooklyn teen is dead after ignoring the advice of his assailant. Nineteen-year-old Devon Grimes suffered multiple gun shot wounds to the neck and torso after failing to check himself. The wrecked teen’s controversial decision led to the subsequent arrest of twenty-two-year-old Laquondo Brown, who was apprehended later that evening by police […]

Man Asks Woman Her Age

BRAINY BORO, NJ– A stunned nation is reeling after a Kinkos employee asked his female co-worker her age. The shocking breach of decorum was committed by forty-seven-year-old William Mersen, who claims that he wanted to know her age in order to determine if she would understand some of his “older pop culture references.” But the […]

Man Playing Air Guitar Clearly Has No Idea How To Play Real Guitar

HORSEHEADS, NY– Steve Jensen’s lack of real life musical skills were clearly on display Thursday night at Sullivan’s Irish Pub in Horseheads, New York. In a move that one witness referred to as “embarrassing to even watch, much less participate in,” the  thirty-five-year-old Jensen performed a series of strange gyrations when the 1989 Motley Crue […]

Area Woman Hates Hospitals

JERKWATER, PA– While visiting the bedside of her mother at St. Anthony’s Hospital in Jerkwater, Pennsylvania, forty-six-year-old Mary Helmreich told reporters that she “hates hospitals.”    Helmreich, who according to family members has a long history of saying things that are “obvious and unoriginal,” did not appear to know that almost no one likes hospitals. […]