Archive | November 2014
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EAST NEW YORK– A Brooklyn teen is dead after ignoring the advice of his assailant. Nineteen-year-old Devon Grimes suffered multiple gun shot wounds to the neck and torso after failing to check himself. The wrecked teen’s controversial decision led to the subsequent arrest of twenty-two-year-old Laquondo Brown, who was apprehended later that evening by police […]
BRAINY BORO, NJ– A stunned nation is reeling after a Kinkos employee asked his female co-worker her age. The shocking breach of decorum was committed by forty-seven-year-old William Mersen, who claims that he wanted to know her age in order to determine if she would understand some of his “older pop culture references.” But the […]
HORSEHEADS, NY– Steve Jensen’s lack of real life musical skills were clearly on display Thursday night at Sullivan’s Irish Pub in Horseheads, New York. In a move that one witness referred to as “embarrassing to even watch, much less participate in,” the thirty-five-year-old Jensen performed a series of strange gyrations when the 1989 Motley Crue […]
JERKWATER, PA– While visiting the bedside of her mother at St. Anthony’s Hospital in Jerkwater, Pennsylvania, forty-six-year-old Mary Helmreich told reporters that she “hates hospitals.” Helmreich, who according to family members has a long history of saying things that are “obvious and unoriginal,” did not appear to know that almost no one likes hospitals. […]