Archive | October 2014

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Ebola Messes With Texas

TEXAS– Despite the old adage that one is not supposed to do so, the ebola virus has messed with Texas. On October 8, a Liberian man died in a Dallas hospital after contracting the disease, and it was learned earlier this week that the man infected at least two of his nurses. “The fact that […]

Frustrated Commuter Attempts To Make Train Go Faster By Sighing And Shaking Her Head

QUEENS, NY—Slow service on the 179th Street bound F train led one frustrated commuter to take matters into her own hands. According to eyewitnesses, twenty-six-year-old Rachel Rowe began to sigh heavily and shake her head Tuesday morning when the conductor announced that passengers would be momentarily delayed due to train traffic ahead of them. The […]

Man Who Read “The Power of Now” Hasn’t Left Sofa In 6 Months

EMBARRASS, WI– Lawrence Gablan has not gotten off of his sofa since April, according to concerned friends and family members. The fifty-six-year-old accountant attributes his stationary lifestyle to his recent reading of the 1997 Deepak Chopra book, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. “It’s an exaggeration to say that I never get […]

Good Will Hunting

If you’re against hunting (meaning that you are a rational, sane human being), then I encourage you to put your name into any state draws to be selected for hunting permits. Several US States only offer limited permits per year, and they’re selected by random draw. If non-hunters put their names in the pot for […]