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MLB Prepares For Jeter’s Impending Homelessness By Showering Him With Gifts

BRONX– With no source of income in sight come October, Major League Baseball has been showering retiring Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter with gifts, a heartwarming act of charity that has brought a tear to the eyes of millions of people across the country. “It’s a sad but unavoidable fact that after driving in 3,464 hits, 1,310 RBIs, and 260 homeruns, as well as bringing us five World Series titles, Derek will most likely be living on the streets by Christmas,” said Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner. In a ceremony held on September 7 known as Derek Jeter Day, Steinbrenner, 44, presented Jeter with an all expense paid trip to Italy. He also gave Jeter a bottle of wine, a move that has caused quite a bit of controversy. “It’s bad enough that he’s going to be living on the streets, said Justin Nadal, head director of the NYC Homeless Outreach Program. “Does he really need to be homeless and a wino on top of that?” Steinbrenner publicly defended his decision by saying that the wine was “symbolic of Italy,” and that the Yankees organization encourages both its fans and players to “drink responsibly.” But in private, Steinbrenner was rumored to have said, “Yeah, maybe giving him a bottle wasn’t such a good idea after all.”

The Yankees weren’t the only team to have given Jeter a gift that was deemed controversial. The Houston Astros presented Jeter with a set of golf clubs, a move that infuriated fans for it’s passive aggressive nature. “Golf is for rich people,” said Astros fan Paul Davee. “That’s not the type of gift you give to a guy who will soon be bankrupt. They gave those golf clubs as a big ‘fuck you’ for all the hits Jeter got against them. I’m a huge Astros fan, but this was really in poor taste.”

   Other teams have given Jeter gifts that are far more practical. The Cincinatti Reds knew that Jeter would need clothing, so they presented him with two framed autographed jersies of Dave Concepcion and Barry Larkin. “We know that, come November, Derek will have to bust open those frames and wear those jersies to keep warm,” said Reds manager Bryan Price. “I know it will be weird seeing him wearing anything other than the Yankee pinstripes, but on the streets, it’s all about survival.”

   The Chicago Whitesox gave Jeter a bench made out of baseball bats. “We were fearful that there might be some nights when Derek might not be able to find a park bench to sleep on, so we made one specifically for him,” said White Sox third baseman Conor Gilespie. “That’s what’s great about the MLB family,” he added. “We take care of our own.”

   The Yankees crosstown rival New York Mets presented Jeter with a Subway Series cake made by the Cake Boss. “I know it’s not the most nutritional food we could have given him,” said Yankees third baseman David Wright, “but beggars can’t be choosers.”

   Since Cleveland is home to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame, the Indians gave Jeter a custom Gibson Les Paul guitar. “We figured that if Derek learns how to play the guitar, he could make a little spare change while playing in the New York City subway,” said Indians right fielder Ryan Raburn. “People are more likely to give money to the homeless if they have some sort of talent, rather than those who just beg for money.”

   Rayburn isn’t the only one who is concerned with Jeter’s lack of talent. Lee Romero is a New York City based career counselor. He’s worried that after Jeter’s final game on Sunday, he will “most likely fall into a downward economic spiral of misery.” “The man knows how to do one thing and one thing only, and that’s chase a ball,” he said. “That does not make for an impressive resume in today’s highly competitive job market. Either way, I wish him the best.”

   Others aren’t nearly as sympathetic. David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox faults Jeter for being “too lazy” for never once having a job in the offseason while playing for the Yankees. Ortiz, who works as a waiter in a Boston IHOP in the offseason, said, “Playing Major League Baseball is a dream come true, but everyone knows that you can’t make a living from it.” Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols, who works as a cashier in a St.Louis Home Depot in the offseason, agrees with Ortiz, saying, “There’s also the matter of logistics. We shouldn’t just automatically assume that Derek will be homeless, but if he is, where is he going to put all of these gifts? For example, the Tampa Bay Rays gave him a kayak because they knew that Derek can’t afford a car, and they wanted to make sure that he had some form of evacuation in case some huge disaster strikes New York. But if he’s homeless, where is he going to put a kayak? In his shopping cart?”

Jeter dismissed those concerns by saying that he’ll keep his gifts inside of his $12 million Manhattan apartment.


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