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Subway Passengers Go to Great Lengths to Avoid Empty Soda Can Left on Seat

NEW YORK CITY– Commuters were in for quite a scare on Friday morning when an empty soda can was left on one of the seats of the Queens bound F train. “Even though there was nowhere else to sit, no one, myself included, wanted to go anywhere near it,” said passenger Hector Guzman. Neither did fellow passenger Lindsay Teed. “Did it look empty to me? Sure,” she said. “But I wasn’t going to take the risk of there being more liquid in there that could spill out and stain my pants.”
This intense drama played out for twenty minutes until one man, Brooklyn resident Kieron Slattery
, boarded the train and moved the can to the floor, an action that created not only enough room for him to sit down, but enough room for two of his fellow passengers to sit as well. “You have to understand that when a can is left on a seat, even if it’s only six inches long, people become so frightened that it leaves an empty seat space of about six feet,” said Straphanger Association president Daniel Corr. “Mr. Slattery’s actions were truly heroic.” Apparently, the New York Post agreed with Corr. Subway Hero read the front page of yesterday’s paper, a headline that is usually only reserved for those who pull fallen passengers from the tracks. Slattery has remained mostly silent about Friday’s events, saying nothing about it other than, “No guts, no glory.” Glory indeed. On Monday, Slattery will be flown to Washington D.C. where President Obama will bestow upon him one of the nation’s most coveted awards: the Congressional Medal of Honor.  “Whether it’s for displaying bravery in the face of adversity, or for the way that he sacrificed his own safety for the greater good of his fellow passengers, I think it’s safe to say that Kieron Slattery is the embodiment of who the American people are and what they can achieve,” said the president.
   Still, some are not impressed by Slattery’s actions, like Sergeant Dakota Meyer, 2009’s winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor. “I won the medal because I was ambushed by more than fifty enemy fighters in Afghanistan’s Kumar province,” said Meyer. “I engaged in a six hour battle, and still dismounted my vehicle and moved on foot to locate and recover the bodies of my fellow soldiers. I have shrapnel in my arm. Slattery won the medal because he moved a stupid soda can off of a seat, which is something a chimpanzee can do.” He then added, “By Slattery winning the medal, it cheapens my medal.”
   Dr. Grant Ellsworth, a microbiologist from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) couldn’t disagree more. “When the F train came to the last stop in Queens, at Jamaica-179th Street, we sent two of our men in hazmat suits to collect the can,” he said. “Then they brought it to a nearby laboratory to see how many microbes it contained.” Dr. Ellsworth went on to explain that while the average toilet contains roughly 750,000 microbes, the soda can extracted from the F train contained more than four million. “It was a pandemic waiting to happen,” he said. “Fortunately, when Slattery placed the can underneath the seat, he prevented most of the microbes from spreading, whereas, if he had let the can continue to roll back and forth along the seat, millions of people living along the eastern seaboard would be coughing up blood a this very moment.”

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