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“I like to read but it makes me sleepy” Claims Lying Woman Who Doesn’t Like To Read

Galloway, NJ– Slightly ashamed of not being an intellectual, but not wanting to actually do anything about it, Kelly Frick of Galloway, New Jersey told friends that the reason why she doesn’t read is because “it makes her sleepy,” a claim that is “an outright lie” according to sources close to the administrative assistant.
   The topic came up when the thirty-eight-year-old mother of two was bragging to her friends about how her twelve-year-old daughter, Marissa, “constantly has her nose in a book.” But many, including Marissa,  are publicly refuting her claim as to why her mother does not read. “Who are you trying to fool?” she asked. “You wouldn’t recognize a book if you were staring at a book shelf,” she said in front of the room of stunned adults. “If you genuinely like to read, you would put on a pot of coffee beforehand or read while standing up!”
   “That’s enough, Marissa!” interjected her mother.
   But she wasn’t finished. “The simple fact is that you’re not even the slightest bit intellectually or creatively curious,” she said.
   “I said that’s enough!” said the elder Frick.
   “If you were, and if reading turns you into some sort of narcoleptic, you could listen to audio books.”
   “Marissa, I’m warning you,” Kelly threatened.
   “What about in the car? Do you listen to audio books in the car?” asked the perceptive twelve-year-old. “No, you don’t. But that’s fine. You listen to NPR, right?”
   “Marissa!” shouted Kelly.
   “Oh, wait! That‘s right! You listen to the Elvis Duran show on Z100. Don’t get me wrong. I would listen to that too if I were mentally retarded. Like, if I were to get hit in the head thirty or forty times with a baseball bat, I would definitely listen to that.”
   Kelly then turned to her daughter and said, “One more word out of you and–“
   “You make it sound as if you fall asleep every night clutching a book,” said a defiant Marissa. “Which would be accurate just as long as you substitute the word ‘book’ with ‘glass of scotch.’
   At that point, Marissa was sent to her room, which didn’t bother her because that’s where all of her books are.

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