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This Time, The Crocodile’s Tears Are Real


TANZANIA– A crocodile living in the Serengeti Plain shed real tears on Friday upon hearing the news of the massive school shooting in Newtown, Conneticut. “Twenty-eight people are dead,” the crocodile told reporters, “including twenty children. If that doesn’t make you cry, I don’t know what will.”
   But even with his reassurances that his tears are genuine, many throughout the wildlife community are skeptical. “Yeah, he’s really sad until he’s munching on your neck,” said an antelope who wished to remain anonymous. A zebra agreed with the antelope, saying, “He was moved to tears? Fine. Good for him. I’m still not walking along the water’s edge.”
   The crocodile feels “deeply insulted” by these comments, saying, “For Christ’s sake, you had teachers sacrificing their lives for their students! You had six-year-olds running out of their schools with their hands over their heads! What kind of sociopath do you think I am that I wouldn’t be effected by this?”
   John Cillod is a professor of zoology at Howard University. He said that the term “crocodile tears” comes from the fact that crocodiles cry while eating their prey, but that “it has nothing to do with emotion.” “When eating their prey, crocodiles often huff and hiss as they blow out air,” he said, “andtheir lacrimal glands, also known as tear ducts, empty at the same time.”
   “He’s absolutely right about that,” said the emotional crocodile. “But that doesn‘t mean that I can’t weep for what happened in Conneticut. Look at me right now. Do I have any prey in my mouth? No. But I’m crying. I’m crying because those kids were only six and seven years old.” Despite the crocodile’s comments, he didn’t appear to be crying. “What? You can’t see these tears?” he asked. “That’s because of these scales under my eyes. But I’m crying. Come a little closer and you’ll be able to see. That’s it. A little closer. A little closer….”


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