WASHINGTON, D.C.– In an attempt to find common ground and work in a bipartisan fashion, President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney on Tuesday at the White House, where the president reminded the defeated Republican candidate that the White House has a personal chef. “Whatever you want to eat, the White House chef can make it for you,” said the president. “Believe me, you should take advantage of it. I know I do. Sometimes, when I’m working on a tough budget proposal and I haven’t eaten all day, I just pick up the phone on my desk, call up the kitchen, and they will bring me anything I want. And I do mean anything. Sushi, thai food, Indian food, pizza. You name it. So, please. Help yourself. You never know when you’ll be able to get an opportunity like this again.” The president then refocused, saying, “But why am I going on and on about food? I mean, don’t get me wrong. You would go on and on about it too if you had access to a five star chef who has cooked all over the world, and all you had to do was summon him at the push of a button. But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to exchange ideas. So, please, Governor. Proceed.”
But after Romney talked extensively about marginal tax rates, the president offered him dessert, saying, “You have to try the strawberry cheese cake! Or what about the chocolate souffle? You know, the chocolate souffle is so good that after the Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlesconi tried it, he promised me that I can have access to his personal wine cellar whenever I’m in Rome.” “In fact,” he added, “considering that I have a choice of every conceivable dessert item, whenever I want it, I’m surprised that I don’t look like President William Howard Taft, who was so fat that he got stuck in the White House bathtub back in 1909.”
“Speaking of bathtubs,” interjected Romney, “do you mind if I use the bathroom real quick?” This question led to widespread laughter among the president and his aides. “Silly man,” said the president. “Which one? The White House has thirty-five bathrooms! But I recommend the one at the end of the hallway. It has the most comfortable jacuzzi. Not that you’ll be using it, but you can look at it. In fact, after a long flight back from Paris or some other European capital, I like to just sit in there for hours and unwind. Hey, that reminds me. It’s a shame we don’t have too much time set aside for this afternoon, because I would really love to show you Air Force One. Hey, why are you crying?”
“I’m not crying,” said Romney while wiping tears from his eyes. “It’s just allergies.”
“Oh, allergies are horrible,” said the president. “I don’t suffer from them myself, but do you know who does? LeBron James. He told me this last year when I was sitting courtside at the NBA Finals. It’s amazing how much you can learn about professional athletes when you’re automatically given the best tickets to any sporting event of your choice. But I digress. You said you wanted to use the bathroom. When you leave this room, make a left. The bathroom is located after the fourth room with a fireplace. That’s the room where FDR used to give his fireside chats. I love sitting in that room this time of year when the weather gets cold. I sit there and drink hot chocolate and just absorb the history of that room. And I don’t just think about FDR either. I think about the scope of American history and my place in it, being completely humbled by the fact that I’m only one of forty-four men who have had the privilege to sit in that room. Oh, but here I am going off on another tangent. What I started to tell you is that the bathroom is located after the fourth room with a fireplace. But hurry back. I’ll allow you to have a little gander at the Situation Room. That’s the room that I was sitting in during the operation that killed Osama bin Laden. Now hurry back.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. I will,” said Romney. Moments later, just after Romney made his way down the corridor and locked the door behind him, loud sobs were heard coming from the bathroom.