Leave a comment

Nutjobs Celebrate Congressional Ban Of The Word “Lunatic”


WASHINGTON, D.C.– On Wednesday, the House of Representatives voted 398-1 in support of a bill banning the use of the word “lunatic” in all federal legislation, causing nutjobs in all fifty states to take to the streets in celebration. Intended to erase outdated or derogatory language from the U.S. legal code, the House vote comes after the Senate approved the motion back in May. The legislation specifically points to a section of banking regulation that calls for a bank authority to serve as a “committee of states of lunatics.”
   Kent Conrad of North Dakota sponsored the measure, and said he “couldn’t be happier about its passing.” “Using words like ‘lunatic’ promotes a social stigma to those unfortunate Americans who are a little fucked in the head,” he said. “Let’s remember that not all wackos are dangerous. A lot of them are decent, law abiding citizens. It just so happens that their elevators don’t quite make it to the top floor.” Rep. David Cicilline (D-RI) agrees with Conrad, saying, “People who are nuts deserve the same rights as the rest of us. They should be treated with a certain amount of dignity, even if they happen to be completely bonkers.”
Minnesota Congressman Erik Paulsen echoed Cicilline’s comments, saying, “It says in the Bill of Rights that every citizen has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Every citizen. It doesn’t say that these rights only pertain to those of us who aren’t living in the looney bin.” “You would no longer refer to an African-American as a ‘negro’, right?” asked Michigan congressman Dan Benishek.  “So why would you refer to some schizo as a lunatic?” “Just like the people that it’s protecting, this issue seems to be a no brainer,” said Corrine Brown (D-FL). “It’s about time that we treat these misfits with the proper amount of respect that they deserve.”
   Despite the overwhelming support for the bill, one congressman, Louie Gohmert of Texas, voted against it. “Not only should we not eliminate the word ‘lunatic’ from federal law when the most pressing issue of the day is saving our country from bankruptcy,” he said, “we should use the word to describe the people who want to continue with business as usual in Washington.” But many Washington insiders believe that Gohmert himself is a full blown wackaroo. One particular congressman who wished to remain anonymous said that Gohmert is “crazier than a shithouse rat.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: