UNITED STATES– Even with the consequences staring them right in the face, thousands of couples across the United States tried to conceive a child just moments after viewing the devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy on the nightly news. “Anyone who doubts that climate change is real has now unquestionably been proven wrong,” said John Barstow, who, two minutes later, began to have unprotected sex with his wife in the hope of having a child. “Yes sir. This is going to be a real problem for the next generation,” he added while acting as if he wasn’t about to intentionally deposit a large amount of spermatoza into his wife’s vagina.
Fully aware of the hundreds of homes that were destroyed just on Breezy Point alone, Todd and Lisa Derem of Oakdale, Illinois have every intention of procreating. “I’m a die hard Cubs fan,” said Todd. “And if I have a kid, he’ll be a huge Cubs fan too,” he added, even though he is familiar with the term “forced mass migration.” “I could tell him about how the Cubs haven’t won the World Series since 1908,” he said, “and how close they came back in 2003 when, during the playoffs, a guy in the stands robbed Cubs outfielder Moises Alou of catching a foul ball hit by one of the Florida Marlins.” And even though the rate of global carbon emissions were higher last year than on any year ever recorded, Derem also hopes that his future son will ask him questions about what it was like to watch Sammy Sosa play for the Cubs.
Patrick Jones of San Diego, California is well aware of the fact that overpopulation leads to widespread famine, but wants to have a child anyway in order to show off the fact that he’s in the financial posistion to do so. Asked whether or not he had any moral reservations about his decision, Jones replied, “Absolutely not. My future kids might not want to be born, but my parents never took that into consideration while conceiving me either.” “Oh, so that explains it,” said Jones’s wife, Cheryl. “We were watching live television coverage of the storm, and Patrick came inside of me at the exact moment that the Hudson River breached into Battery Park. I was wondering why, at that moment, he screamed, ‘Some day this will all be yours!’ That’s really sick, Patrick. You shouldn’t be having kids as a form of revenge.” Despite her husband’s intentions, Cheryl still wants to have the baby, saying, “I’m not getting any younger.”
Neither is Teresa Billins, a resident of Roanoke, Virginia, who said that not only did Hurricane Sandy do nothing to deter her desire to have a baby, but rather, it created it. “When I saw that Battery Park in Lower Manhattan was under water, I said to myself, ‘Battery! What a great name for a child!’ And then I immediately told my fiance to impregnate me, even though we had never even talked about whether or not we wanted to have kids.”
Stephanie Edelson, a woman from Tempe, Arizona who is familiar with the term “irreversible mass extinction” wants to have a baby after a co-worker that she barely knows told her, “I just became a mother for the first time in September. You have to have one!” “I know that her baby is only six weeks old and therefore, hasn’t had the chance to give her mother attitude or have a ten-thousand decible temper tantrum in the middle of the supermarket,” said Edelson, “but I trust her judgement on these things. For example, her cubicle is always decorated with these really cute nicknacks that she finds at T.J. Maxx.”
It’s that type of thinking that infuriates Lee Romero, director of Population Watch, an organization that monitors population growth around the world. “A woman who has been a parent for less than two months tells another woman who she barely knows that she ‘has to have one,'” said Romero. “There are two dangerous assumptions here. The first is that everyone is fit to be a parent, which isn’t true. More importantly, when you use the term ‘have to have one,’ you’re treating the child like it’s a consumer object. Like it’s a human I-Phone or something. In fact, it’s pretty revealing that Miss Edelson made a connection between her co-worker’s baby and shopping.” Despite Romero’s comments, Edelson still plans on getting pregnant, even though she saw that tens of thousands of people in New York and New Jersey have no electricity due to the storm. “I know that we live on a dying planet and that that’s mostly due to overpopulation,” Edelson said, “but in addition to Becky recommending that I have one, I also saw the cutest little outfit that I can dress it in.”
Trisha Geary of East Crawford, Massachusetts was also aware of the fact that tens of thousands of people were without power, but wants to have a child because “the tax incentives are great.” She’s hoping that scientists will solve global warming, and told reporters, “Hey, for all I know, it might be my kid who grows up to be the scientist that solves the problem.” But sources close to the couple view Geary’s attitude as “wildly optimistic” considering the fact that both her and her husband scored in the low eighties on an IQ test.
Sandra Jollets of Park Slope, Brooklyn plans on having two children despite recently reading an article stating that global cancer rates will double to 15 million by the year 2020. “I don’t want my first child, who I will name Calliope, to be an only child, so I‘ll have a second one, who I will name Turnstile,” she said. Asked to comment on the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, Jollets said, “Did you see how people were fighting each other for gasoline? It was horrible! If anything, I think that’s just a preview of what’s coming in future years. Some day, my kids will be fighting strangers like that too, only it won’t be for gasoline. It will be for food.” When she was asked why that fact won’t deter her from procreating, Jollets said, “Will my kids have a really tough life ahead of them? Sure they will. But do you know what else is tough? When you see all of your siblings and cousins during Christmas and they all have kids and you don’t and you feel totally left out of the conversation because you can’t talk about what time of day you give your baby a bottle! That’s tough too!”
When she was asked how she feels about couples who choose to not have children–either for environmental reasons, financial reasons, or otherwise–Jollets repeated something that nearly all of the couples who were quoted in this article had said: “People who don’t have children are selfish.”