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National Day Of Prayer Results In 200 Million Americans Wishes Coming True

 

USA– For one day only, every American of religious faith had their wishes come true, thanks to the National Day Of Prayer, an annual observance that, up until this year, had failed to produce results. “This was, without a doubt, the greatest day of my life,” said Regina Templeton, who was cured of her pancreatic cancer. “For nearly two years, I underwent painful chemotherapy treatments,” she told reporters. “To think that all it took was a National Day Of Prayer. If only I had known sooner.”

“If only I had known sooner” seemed to be the general feeling of the 200 million Americans who had become instant millionaires. That particular prayer, however, seemed to have come with an unexpected caveat. As Nobel Prize winning economist Paul Krugman points out, “When everyone is rich, no one is rich. This could have profound implications, some of them quite negative.” One of those negative implications is the fact that The Wrigley Company has raised the price of Skittles to $1,500 a pack. The average price for a cup of coffee is not far behind, at $1,450. “You’re going to see a lot of that sort of thing,” said Krugman, who advises people to “be patient” in seeing how this economic upswing turns out. “For the most part, it’s probably a good thing that so many people are rich,” he said. “On the other hand, you might not feel the same way if you’re an atheist or an agnostic, two groups of people who will no longer have the means to purchase anything.”

Economic issues aside, how does that particular demographic feel about yesterday’s events? “Up until yesterday, I was one of the fifty million atheists or agnostics currently living in the United States,” said Ryan Farmel of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. “But now that two-hundred million Americans prayers have been answered, I have obviously changed my mind.” He expressed “deep regret” over his atheism, saying, “It hurts me to know that the only thing that stood in the way of me and Megan Fox’s vagina was a conversation with an invisible man.” Reverend Michael Chersey, a Protestant Minister from Englewood, Kansas, criticized Farmel, saying, “Out of all the things that this young man could have prayed for–an end to disease, war, or poverty–he prays for a meaningless encounter with an actress? That’s disgusting.”

Disgusting or not, 8,162 men across the United States also prayed for a “meaningless” encounter with Miss Fox, and they received it. Of all the mysteries surrounding yesterday’s National Day Of Prayer, astrophysicist Mike Giordano believes that that one is the most confusing of all. “There are only 1,440 minutes in a day,” said Giordano, “and yet, 8,162 men had sex with Megan Fox. Clearly, this is mathematically impossible, and yet, it happened. I have no explanation for this. We obviously learned two things yesterday. We learned that time is an illusion, and we learned that Megan Fox must have a vagina that’s made of titanium steel.”

We also learned that when people have conflicting prayers, things can get awfully complicated. According to an unnamed source within the Defense Department, America both lost and won the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan a total of thirty-two times yesterday. “We received word that different terrorists in sleeper cells who were living in the United States prayed that America would lose,” said the unnamed official. “Fortunately, the number of people in the US who prayed for our soldiers and for a victory outnumbered those who were praying for our downfall.” Still, due to the horrors that prayer can unleash, the Obama administration is now considering doing away with the National Day Of Prayer altogether. “Prayer can be a wonderful thing,” said the president, “but when it is used as a weapon, then we must proceed with caution. Prayer, in the hands of our enemies, can lead to our destruction.”

The president’s comments stirred up quite a bit of controversy to an event that, leading up to its arrival, had already been mired in controversy. For the past eight years, the White House recognized the National Day Of Prayer with a service in the East Room, but this year, President Obama decided against holding a public ceremony, prompting the National Day Of Prayer Task Force Chairman, Shirley Dobson, to express her disappointment in the “lack of participation by the Obama administration.” “At this time in our country’s history, we would hope our president would recognize more fully the importance of prayer,” she said. Many of Obama’s critics still feel the same way, despite the presidents concerns about prayer being a threat to national security. “I understand the president’s concerns,” said Senator Thad Cochran (R-Mis), “but my Christian upbringing also leads me to believe that with God, anything is possible.” “The fact that anything is possible is exactly why it’s of such grave concern,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “Allow me to clarify something,” he continued. “The president does not wish to stop anyone from practicing their faith, and he encourages citizens to practice their faith every day if they so choose. What the president does not want, however, is to promote a calendar day in which the culmination of that faith could possibly result in a mushroom cloud.” “However,” Gibbs added, “a decision has not yet been made due to the fact that yesterday’s events have raised many more questions than answers.”

One of those questions is why people’s prayers immediately stopped being answered as soon as the clock struck midnight. Father Matt O’Talloran, a Roman Catholic priest from Brooklyn, New York, failed to provide an explanation, merely saying that “God works in mysterious ways.” Despite that vague explanation, Father O’Talloran was able to offer some insight as to why the National Day Of Prayer finally worked this year, saying that it has nothing to do with religion. “Like everything else, the reason why the National Day Of Prayer worked this year and failed every other year is because George Bush is no longer involved with it,” he said.

As for Megan Fox, her publicist denies that the twenty-three-year-old actress has a vagina made of steel titanium. “Even though they didn’t specifically say it while talking to God, none of the 8,123 men who had sex with Megan wanted to fuck a blistered, black and blue vagina,” she said, “or as some would call it, ‘sloppy seconds.’ Or, in this case, ‘sloppy eight-thousand-one-hundred-twenty-thirds.'” “Therefore, with each partner that Megan had, her vagina completely restored itself, acting as if Megan had no previous partners that day.” Unfortunately for Miss Fox, even though her vagina had no recollection of her various partners, the same could not be said for her mind. “Mentally, this was very difficult for Megan,” said her publicist. “Understand that she had to sleep with people ranging from the ages of eleven to seventy-two. I can’t even imagine how creepy that must be. It was so bad for her that she’s thinking about quitting show business just in case there’s ever another National Day Of Prayer. On the other hand, Megan prayed that she could have sex with Brad Pitt, and did, so she’s not completely regretting it.”

 

 

May 7, 2009

 

 

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