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Ugly Woman With Large Breasts Refuses To Put Paper Bag Over Her Head During Sex

 

 

PASADENA, CA– Michelle Dawd believed that her new relationship with boyfriend Ryan Engelberg was going quite smoothly. That belief changed last night when the newly formed couple were about to have sex for the first time. “Oh my God, he is such an asshole,” said an angry Dawd while recalling the actions of Engelberg, who is now her ex-boyfriend. “We had engaged in like, twenty minutes of foreplay,” recalled Dawd. “We were completely naked, when all of a sudden, Ryan left the bedroom, saying that he would be back in a minute. I assumed that he was getting a condom.”

She assumed wrong. About a minute later, Engelberg re-entered the room, holding a paper bag. “I was just about to ask him what he was going to do with the paper bag,” Dawd told reporters, “but I didn’t get a chance to because, before I knew it, the bag was over my head.” Engelberg then attempted to insert his penis into Dawd’s vagina, but just before he got a chance to enter her, Dawd pulled the bag off of her head and shouted, “What the hell are you doing?” “What? It’s not too hot in there for you, is it?” asked a concerned Engelberg. At that point, Dawd–a twenty-year-old art student with a bra size of 36D–told Engelberg that she wasn’t physically uncomfortable with the bag over her head, but that she found it “a little unusual.” She asked him if the paper bag was part of a strange fetish that he might have had. “No,” said Engelberg, “I just think it’s better this way.” “And it was at that point,” Dawd told reporters, “that it all became perfectly clear as to why he wanted me to wear a paper bag over my head. What a piece of shit.”

Engelberg disagrees with Dawd’s opinion of him, saying, “I thought that I was very considerate when I asked her if she was too hot underneath the paper bag. Most women would love to have a guy who is that sensitive toward his partner’s needs. What a bitch.”

Three weeks earlier, when the couple met at a local nightclub, Engelberg had been there with two of his friends. One of those friends was Jeff Prizman, who feels somewhat responsible for the sexual mishap. “All three of us spotted Michelle in the club at the same time, and we all agreed that she has a butter face,” he said. Prizman explained that “butter face” is slang for “She has a really hot body, butter face is ugly.” “Anyway,” he continued, “Ryan didn’t know if he should talk to her because he couldn’t decide whether or not her hot body made her face worthwhile. So I told him that he should just fuck her with a paper bag over her head.” Prizman laughed hysterically and said, “I didn’t think he was actually going to do it. That’s just meaningless, bullshit guy talk.” Prizman paused, and added, “God, Ryan’s awesome.”

One group of people that don’t find Ryan to be “awesome” are scientists from the Environmental Protection Agency, who feel that he should have used a plastic bag instead of paper. “Our trees are being cut down at an alarming rate,” said environmentalist William Berglund. “For him to be using up even more paper is both selfish and reckless toward the planet.” On the other hand, many environmentalists point out that plastic contains oil, and that drilling for oil is also bad for the planet. “It’s definitely a Catch-22 if the only choices are paper or plastic,” said Paul Stennard, an environmentalist from the Natural Resources Defense Council. “That’s why I think he should’ve used a burlap sack. It’s a little creepy in that it’s reminiscent of Guantanamo Bay. But on the other hand, if that young woman’s head had been covered with a plastic bag, there’s a good chance that she would have suffocated.”

Regardless of what environmentalists might say, one thing is certain: Dawd does not want to have any bag, of any type, placed over her head again. “I’ve never felt more insulted in my entire life than with what Ryan did to me,” she said. “For the three weeks that we’ve known each other, he kept telling me how beautiful I was. If I had known that it was just my tits that he found beautiful I never would have bothered with him in the first place.”

Despite Dawd’s comments, Engelberg maintains that he’s a man of morals. “Understand that I would’ve been more than willing to compromise,” he said. “For example, if she wanted to, she could’ve poked two small holes in the bag so that we could’ve made eye contact.” He also suggested that since Dawd is an art student, she could have made “an interesting design” out of the paper bag. “We could even have worked on it together,” he said. “After all, doing things together is what intimacy is all about, right?” Then he added, “Of course, I would’ve had to approve of the final design. I mean, what’s the point of putting a paper bag over her head if the bag is uglier than her face?”

 

 

November 19, 2009

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