WASHINGTON, D.C.– A ticking nuclear bomb that would have killed an estimated one million people was placed in a briefcase in downtown Chicago on Tuesday night during the president’s State of the Union Address. According to an anonymous source within the Obama administration, the president was informed of the bomb ten minutes before his speech, and it would have detonated unless Obama spoke the words, “Purple elephants walk down Main Street.”
Obama catered to the terrorist’s demands masterfully, saying, “Our nation’s future depends on both Democrats and Republicans working together. There’s a certain divisiveness in American politics, and you can see it in the party’s symbols. My good friend Ted Kennedy once said, ‘You hear that Democrats are the brown donkey and that Republicans are the purple elephant. One party claims that their party is the party of Main Street while the other party is the party of Wall Street, and that purple elephants walk down Main Street. But what the two parties need to do is they need to focus less on which animals symbolize their party and which streets those animals walk on, and focus more on the fact that India and China are educating their young people better than we are.'” Not only did the line get a standing ovation, but Obama followed it up with a well received quip: “Now we all know that our colleague Ted Kennedy was color blind and that elephants are gray and not purple, but it doesn’t matter.”
What does matter–at least to many top Republicans–is that Obama caved to the terrorist’s demands, which they view as a sign of weakness. “Even though he did a good job of working it into his speech, the president should not be speaking jibberish just because our enemies told him to,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-SC). “If he can’t even deliver the State of the Union Address without interference, what would he do if there were to be another Cuban Missile Crisis?” Others support the president’s decision. “Bottom line, the nuke wasn’t detonated, and that’s all that matters,” said Obama’s speech writer, Jon Favreau.
Terrorism expert Daniel Wall said that he’s “shocked” that the terrorists held up their end of the bargain by not detonating the bomb. “Fortunately, it’s very difficult for a terrorist to obtain the proper materials to assemble a bomb of that magnitude,” Wall said, “so the fact that they did indeed obtain those materials and were able to assemble the bomb must give us pause.” And even though the government hasn’t named any specific suspects, Wall believes that the terrorist’s “playful sense of humor” points to none other than Hezbollah, a Shi’a Muslim militant group and political party based in Lebanon. “Hezbollah was behind the 1992 bombing of an Israeli embassy in Buenos Aires, as well as the October 2006 attack on an Israeli military post,” said Wall, “and both of those attacks were paid for by the profits received at Chuckles, a Hezbollah financed comedy club located in the heart of Lebanon.”
There are some experts, however, that disagree with Wall’s assessments. One of those experts is presidential historian Ken Foley, whose curiously titled book Get The Fuck Out Of My Bar Or I’m Calling The Cops: State of the Union Addresses 1776-Present reached number four on the New York Times Best Seller List. Foley believes that even though Hezbollah shouldn’t be counted out as a prime suspect, State of the Union Addresses have often been plagued with strange ramblings. For example, Foley mentions how, in 1984, while in the middle of speaking about our relations with the Soviet Union, President Reagan muttered, “This morning, I ate 37 paper clips for breakfast.” “Now on the surface,” said Foley, “This appears to have Hezbollah’s twisted sense of humor written all over it. But in reality, by the time of that State of the Union Address, Reagan was already deep into the throes of Alzheimer’s Disease.” “And,” he added, “the economy was booming at the time, so nobody bothered to question what he meant by that.” Either way, Foley wished to make it clear that State of the Union Addresses have indeed been “hijacked” in the past, but not always by Islamic fundamentalists. He cites President James K. Polk as an example. In 1846, Polk delivered his State of the Union Address just ten days after the United States invaded Mexico, a military action that, for fear of assassination as reprisal, resulted in Polk telling a packed chamber of Congress, “One does not truly understand the meaning of loneliness until he has stared at the moon while playing the fiddle shortly after midnight.” Foley believes that that one sentence was what caused Polk to lose his re-election bid in 1850. “It wasn’t until decades later that historians learned that Polk would’ve been killed if he hadn’t spoken that sentence,” said Foley. “But when he said it, voters questioned his mental stability, and Zachary Taylor won in a landslide.” Foley said that presidents who fail to adhere to the “last minute revisions” have met “gruesome fates.” “In 1863,” Foley explained, “John Wilkes Booth demanded that Lincoln begin the Gettysburg Address with ‘To all my motherfuckin niggas in the 2-1-3, put your motherfuckin hands up and sing with me.’ But as we all know, Lincoln opted to go with ‘Four score and seven years ago.’ And we all know how that turned out.”
January 31, 2011