Make A Wish Foundation of America
4742 N.24th St., Suite 400
Dear Make A Wish Foundation,
I am writing to you in the hope that you will grant me my dying wish before I depart from this cruel, cruel world. But before I continue, I should mention that I am thirty-one years old, and even though I am fully aware that you only grant the wishes of dying children, you will quickly learn from both the content and tone of this letter that I have the mind of an eleven-year-old. I should also mention that I am not dying, at least not in the immediate sense of the word. I consider this to be a trivial detail though, because, in a broader sense, aren’t we all dying? That is a terrifying thought that must give us pause. And since every minute that goes by brings us one minute closer to our death, I will state my dying wish so as to not waste any more of our precious time: just like in Westerns, I wish to get into a bar room brawl in which I punch someone in the face and then drag their semi-conscious body along the top of the bar.
I have spent literally thousands of hours in bars (both as a customer and as a former bartender) so I have seen more than my fair share of fights. Not once though, have I seen anyone get dragged along the bar. That’s because it’s just not realistic. After punching someone in the face, you would have to be able to grab your opponent’s legs and lift them up to almost chest level in order to get him on top of the bar, and you would have to do this without getting kicked. And even if you’re able to do that, your efforts of actually dragging that prick will be met with all sorts of obstacles. First, your opponent is not going to want to be dragged, which means that if he still hasn’t punched or kicked you, he will now see this as being the perfect time to do so. Or, at the very least, he will grab onto the bar. But let’s just say that you were able to knock him out with one punch–an unlikely scenario–and were able to immediately get him onto the bar. Once you start to drag him, either the bartender or the bouncer is going to stop you by the time you reach the end. And why is it that, in these Westerns, there’s always a clear path to the end of the bar? That’s another example of something that never happens in real life–in Westerns, everyone in the bar, every single patron, is fighting, and five seconds before a guy gets dragged along the bar, everyone else that was standing there seems to have found somewhere else to be. Doesn’t it strike you as being a little too convenient that no one is ever in the way? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that we have to arrange for all of this to occur in a bar that’s completely empty of people. I mean, what’s the point of creating such precious memories if you can’t share them with others? But for the purpose of realism, I think that we should arrange for this to happen in a place where the majority of the bar’s customers sit at tables, and maybe we could have one or two other customers sitting all the way at the other end of the bar. Then, by the time I drag my opponent down to their end, they’ll see us coming and quickly get out of the way. It’s important, however, that they leave their glasses of beer on the bar. We should also have a couple of empty glasses “left behind” on the middle of the bar as well. There’s no point in dragging someone along the top of a bar unless you’re going to make them knock over a bunch of glasses in the process. If you have any moral reservations about wasting all of this beer, do not fret. Most of the glasses that get knocked over will be empty, and those that do contain “beer” will only have Budweiser, a liquid that can be and should be spilled on the floor.
You should grant me my wish because of its cultural significance, but aside from that, another reason why you should grant me my wish is because it’s cost effective. Think about it. It’s not as if you have to rent out a bar for an entire evening; my wish could be completed, from start to finish, in under ten seconds. How many people can honestly say that? Surely, granting my wish would be much cheaper for you than sending some seven-year-old up in a rocket ship, or whatever it is that you do. To be honest, I know next to nothing about the Make A Wish Foundation, the main reason being that I fucking despise children. In fact, a land mine explodes somewhere in the world every twenty-two minutes, and since it would cost $33 billion and would take over eleven-hundred years to remove all of them, I think that the only practical, rational use for toddlers would be to have them crawl over the land mines. But I digress. The only cost to you in granting my wish would be the price of about five glasses, and three pints of Budweiser.
And speaking of Budweiser, the person that I would like to punch in the face and drag along the bar is Sarah Palin. Don’t get me wrong. Normally, I don’t condone violence against women, but in Palin’s case, I’ll just pretend that I’m “on the set” of Jersey Shore. I’ll punch her in the face, drag her along the bar, and then say, “Hey Sarah, how’s that whole go out for a drinkey, get punched in the facey thing workin’ out for ya?” If Palin’s not available due to a scheduling conflict, Sean Hannity would be a suitable replacement. I was going to say that Rush Limbaugh would be a suitable replacement, but have you seen the size of him? Even if I had the strength of ten men and was able to drag his gelatinous body over the edge of a bar, I wouldn’t. My goal is to conduct a relatively minor act of violence against someone that irritates me. It is not my goal to cause permanent damage to the earth’s crust. If neither Palin or Hannity are available, see if you can get Michael Vick. Vick has publicly stated that he’s trying to restore his image, and there’s no better way for him to do that than by having me punch him in the face and drag him along a bar. Of course, once could make the valid argument that Vick is interested more in restoring his “image” than actually realizing that dog fighting is a despicable act, but that is an issue for a different letter. For now, you should focus on the fact that if you grant me my wish, it would serve as a wonderful piece of PR for your organization. You would be sending out a clear message, and that message is this: The Make A Wish Foundation does not support animal cruelty.
In closing, I would like to thank you for reading my letter. And if, for some reason, you find that it won’t be possible to grant me my wish (I don’t know why it would be since I’ve clearly stated the advantages for your organization to do so, but let’s just say, hypothetically, that you can’t) please do not be disheartened, for I have a back-up wish that you could grant me. I won’t go into detail about it right now, but let’s just say that it involves Jessica Alba. Either way, please respond to this letter as quickly as possible. You of all people should know that life is but a brief candle.
May 9, 2010