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Midgets Dry Best On Spin Cycle



There was an article in the Sunday New York Times that said that the body of a man was found in a nylon laundry bag in Crown Heights. According to police, the body was left in front of a house on Park Place.

When I read this, one question immediately came to mind: how small was this man that he could fit into a laundry bag? The average man is around six feet tall. Doing laundry is one of those chores that I tend to put off for as long as possible, but even if I were to wear every article of clothing in my wardrobe before doing laundry again, I can assure you that the pile of clothes would not even come close to stacking up to six feet. Where does one buy a laundry bag that big? Was the murderer able to fit both his clothes and the victim’s body into the bag? That would make the bag twelve feet high. In order to be able to lift a bag that big, Shaquille O’Neal would be a prime suspect. Same with Herculese. Shaq has an alibi though because he’s all the way down in Miami, and Herculese has an alibi because he’s only a mythological figure. Besides, I’m sure that neither one of these men do their own laundry. Shaq is rich, and as for Herculese, well, I doubt that mythological figures do laundry. When was the last time you ran into Zeus at the laundromat? Therefore, assuming that the victim didn’t have a defective pituitary gland, the laundry bag was only six feet high.

That still leaves me with several questions though. Did the murderer kill his victim at the laundromat, on the way to the laundromat, or on the way back from the laundromat? If he killed him at the laundromat, what happened there that made him so angry? I’ve noticed that whenever I do laundry, there are always little kids playing inside of the laundry carts. The dirty bottoms of their shoes are now inside of the carts where people will put their newly washed laundry, making it almost pointless to do laundry in the first place. It bothers me that their parents have such little common sense that they let their kids play in these carts, but it has never agitated me to the point where I’ve committed homicide. One other thing that bothers me about doing laundry is that no matter how many Goddamn quarters I put into the drier, my towels never seem to get completely dry. Once again though, this is a minor annoyance that would not even make me come close to committing murder. Therefore, the murder took place either on the way to the laundromat, or on the way back from the laundromat. In that case, the possibilities are endless as to what could’ve provoked the murderer, especially if the laundromat was far away from his house.

However, like Shaquille O’Neal and Herculese, not everyone does their own laundry. A lot of people drop it off. I used to do that, but it became annoying because every time that I would go to pick it up, there would be a dead body inside of my laundry bag. I would specifically tell them, “Please separate the whites from the colors, and separate both the whites and the colors from the dead bodies.” Did they listen though? No! But every time that there was a dead body in my laundry bag, I would notice it right away because there was a significant difference in weight. When that would happen, I would say to the person behind the counter, “Excuse me. There’s a dead body mixed in with my laundry, and it doesn’t belong to me. Can you kindly discard of it?” I did not, however, leave it in front of someone’s house as if it were a half smoked Marlboro.


cc: Jeff Bagwell

Jessie “The Body” Ventura



October 13, 2004


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