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Insomnia

 

One saying that I never understood is, “You made your bed, now you have to lie in it.” First of all, it’s impossible to lie in a bed that has already been made. The saying should be, “You made your bed, now you have to unmake it and lie in it.” Either way, this saying implies that one has to suffer the consequences of their actions, but how much can you suffer while lying in bed? “Slobadon Milosevic, the World Court has found you guilty of war crimes. You are now sentenced to go take a nap.” That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? If you want to come up with a metaphor that conveys a sense of suffering the consequences of one’s actions, you should say, “You fell off of the subway platform, now you have to get hit by the R train.” Actually, that’s a bad example since the R TRAIN NEVER FUCKING COMES!!! Or you can use the lying in bed metaphor, but you have to make it painful. For example:

You made your bed, now you have to unmake it and lie in it, where there will be broken glass underneath the covers.

 

   Allow me to quickly change the subject by saying that when I was a kid, the idea of Santa Claus used to scare the shit out of me. Think about it. “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake.” Why do adults love to scare children by telling them things like that? It’s the same with bed bugs. You remember them, don’t you? “Good night! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!” So now, if I was somehow able to fall asleep, even though Santa Claus is watching my every move, I would be woken up because bed bugs were going to bite me! I’m glad that there was no such thing as West Nile Virus when I was a kid, otherwise I probably never would’ve slept a day in my life! All this having been said, we now have something to work with in terms of our lying in bed metaphor:

 

You made your bed, now you have to unmake it and lie in it, even though there’s broken glass underneath the covers, Santa Claus is watching you, and there are bugs in your bed that have tested positive for West Nile Virus.

 

Now some of you might be saying, “That’s all well and good, Keith, but some people do really horrible things, and deserve to suffer more than that.” You would be right, but only in terms of people that have inactive sex lives. For example, I think that it would be extremely painful to have sex in a bed that’s filled with broken glass. Some of you might enjoy that kind of thing though. And if you enjoy that, you would probably also enjoy being bitten by bed bugs. Tell me though, my little masochistic friends, would you enjoy having sex knowing that Santa Claus is watching you? In fact, just to make things interesting, not only will Santa Claus be watching you, he’ll be in the room! Now some of you might be saying, “I wouldn’t care if Santa Claus was in the room! I used to make S&M movies in which I would have sex in a bed filled with broken glass and bed bugs, and I had the time of my life doing it! So now what?” Even those of you who can’t claim to have done the same thing might at least be saying, “I live in a New York City apartment, so it’s already almost impossible to have sex without the neighbors hearing it loud and clear. What difference would it make if Santa Claus were in the room?” Okay, fine. Not only will Santa Claus be in the room, but he’ll keep on making comments while you’re having sex. For those of you who have made S&M movies, that might not be a big deal to you since porn directors often give the “actors” instructions while filming, and then dub out their voices with cheesy porn music. I know that they do this because one time, my friends and I were drinking beer, eating popcorn, and watching midget porn (seriously, we were) and there was this one part of the movie where this woman was blowing a midget, looked off-screen, and asked, “What?” Anyway, some of you porn stars might be used to having someone watch you and give you orders during sex, but with Santa Claus, his orders are going to be really critical and derogatory, such as, “Dude, she’s gorgeous! Surely, you can fuck her harder than that,” or, “Stop using your teeth so much when you blow him! Come on! You’re form Pennsylvania! You should be good at this!” Some of you might be saying, “It doesn’t matter! I can completely block out Santa Claus! I have the concentration of a Tibetan Buddhist monk during sex!” Oh really? Fine. I guess you wouldn’t mind having Santa Claus in bed with you then? He’s not going to be included in the sex, he’s just going to lie right next to you and your girlfriend while making his critical, derogatory comments. Even if you were able to somehow block out his voice and not look at him (even though he’s only a few inches away from your girlfriend’s head) he’s a big guy who will take up a lot of room in bed. Before we continue, let’s review, shall we?

 

You made your bed, now you have to unmake it and lie in it, even though there’s broken glass underneath the covers, bed bugs that have tested positive for West Nile Virus, and Santa Claus in bed with you, taking up a lot of room, and making critical, derogatory comments while you’re trying to have sex.

 

   Sadly, some people need to be punished even more than this. I had mentioned earlier that the lines “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid. Those lines scare me today too, but only because they remind me of John Ashcroft. And guess what? I think there might be room in bed for one more person! Unbeknownst to anyone until now, John Ashcroft has a fetish for wearing high school cheerleading outfits while lying in bed with his arms around Santa Claus and commenting on other people’s sexual performances. Like Santa Claus, Ashcroft’s comments are often critical and derogatory. Even worse is that Santa Claus and Ashcroft disagree all the time, and your girlfriend only listens to them and doesn’t “pay attention” to you. For example:

 

ASHCROFT: That’s it! Bob your head up and down really fast on his penis!

SANTA CLAUS: No! Do it slowly!

  (She starts to do it slowly)

      ASHCROFT: Hey! Don’t listen to him! Go faster!

(She does it faster)

      SANTA CLAUS: No! I said slow down!

YOU: What are you stopping for?

ASHCROFT AND SANTA CLAUS: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!

 

I’m throwing a lot at you here, so let’s do another quick review:

 

You made your bed, now you have to unmake it and lie in it, even though there’s broken glass underneath the covers, bed bugs that have tested positive for West Nile Virus, John Ashcroft is wearing a high school cheerleader outfit, and he’s lying in bed with you with his arms around Santa Claus, and between the two of them, they’re taking up so much of the bed that you just barely have enough room to fuck your girlfriend, such little room, in fact, that you feel like you’re about to fall off the bed and snap your dick in half, and to make matters worse, Ashcroft and Santa Claus are making critical, derogatory comments on you and your girlfriend’s sexual performance, and she seems more interested in putting on a good show for them then she is in pleasing you.

 

   Allow me to once again briefly change the subject by saying that I never understood the saying “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” This saying would be the exact opposite of “You made your bed, now you have to lie in it.” You own the cake, and you own the bed. You want the cake, but you’re not allowed to eat it. You own the bed too, but for reasons that we’re still exploring, you’re resistant to lying in it. Even without the broken glass, bed bugs, Santa Claus, and John Ashcroft, you would probably still not want to lie in it because you would rather be in the kitchen, eating cake. But because you have to suffer the consequences of your actions, you’re forced to stay in bed, cakeless. Staying true to the saying, you will be offered cake (by Julia Child, who will also crawl into bed with you) but you won’t be allowed to eat it. To make matters worse, it’s your favorite kind of cake (a Carvel Fudgey The Whale ice cream cake) but it’s rapidly melting. It gets to the point where you want that melting cake so badly that you begin to stare at it, noticing that it has melted into the shape of Colorado, which really turns you on (for personal reasons) and you begin to fuck your girlfriend much harder, which causes her to scream, and causes John Ashcroft and Santa Claus to both cheer, signifying that they finally agree on something other than their love for each other. But just then, you happen to glance at Julia Child, who is staring at the melting cake with a look of grief so unbearable that you didn’t think another human being could hurt so badly. It is only then that you begin to wonder why Julia Child, of all people, would buy a cake instead of baking one, and why she would be so upset about a cake that she didn’t even bake. The combination of that thought and the look of grief on her face causes you to become distracted, and you fuck your girlfriend slower, much to the consternation of Ashcroft and Santa Claus, who begin to boo and yell at you again. And even though your girlfriend only listened to Ashcroft and Santa Claus while blowing you, she’s now yelling at you for briefly glancing at Julia Child, which is completely unfair. Under normal circumstances, you probably wouldn’t even be able to maintain an erection if you had to deal with all of these distractions. You never thought that you would actually say this, but you wish that you weren’t able to get it up so that Santa Claus and John Ashcroft would shut the fuck up and leave you alone. But you’ve now been plagued with priapism, a little known medical condition where a man gets a spontaneous, long lasting erection that he has no control over. The term comes from Greek mythology, named after Priapus, the Greek god of fertility, who was cursed with a permanent erection. You might not think that a permanent erection is a curse, but keep in mind that Priapus felt awfully embarrassed while going to the beach or while wearing sweatpants.

 

  You made your bed, now you have to unmake it and lie in it, even though there’s broken glass underneath the covers, bed bugs that have tested positive for West Nile Virus, and Santa Claus, John Ashcroft, and Julia Child are lying in bed with you, forcing you and your girlfriend to the very edge of the bed, making sex, which you are currently engaged in, a dangerous balancing act, and John Ashcroft, who is wearing a cheerleader outfit, is holding Santa Claus in his arms, and they keep making critical, derogatory remarks about you and your girlfriend’s sexual performance, and your girlfriend seems more interested in listening to their comments rather than pleasing you, but she gets jealous when you briefly glance at Julia Child, who is horribly grief stricken because your Fudgey The Whale ice cream cake from Carvel has melted into the shape of Colorado, which brings back pleasant memories, but nonetheless proves that you can’t have your cake and eat it too, but one thing that you can have when you want it the least is a permanent erection, like Priapus, the Greek god of fertility.

 

   Now that’s what I call suffering the consequences of one’s actions! If all of this were to happen to someone, they would probably be in a very bad mood the next day. If that’s the case, without realizing it, people would inevitably add insult to injury by saying, “Wow! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today!”

 

 

December 18, 2004

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