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Holy Shit! A Fuckin Tawnado! (By Anthony Brooklyn)

 

   Me and Joey was walkin down Shore Road in Bay Ridge on Tuesday when all of a sudden, I see this big twisty thing barrelin down the avenue. So I turned to Joey and I axked him, “Hey Joey, am I hallucinatin, or is that a fuckin tawnado?” Joey stotted to ahgue wit me, tellin me that we ain’t in fuckin Kansas, when outta nowhea, this fuckin oak tree crashed to the ground about faw feet away from us. Joey screamed, “Holy shit! It really is a fuckin tawnado!” “Hey Anthony,” he said, “I don’t know about you, but this natural disasta sure is makin me hungry! Whataya say we get a slice a pizza?” I sez to him, “Now’s no time to be thinkin about food. Besides, I just had a cannoli about a half an owa ago.” Joey got all mad at me and said, “Whatta ya kiddin me? You had cannolis and you didn’t awfa me one?” Just then, I remembud that I had an extra cannoli in my back pocket. But instead of givin it to Joey, I figyud that I’d give it to the tawnado so that it would be happy and not botha nobody. So I true the cannoli into the tawnado, yelling, “Hea ya go! Manja! Manja!” Do you know what that tawnado did? That ungrateful fuck! It went and true a cah at us! Some sort of Mitsubishi or somethin! Can you believe the nerve of that thing? I go and feed it, and it decides to stot trowin cahs all ova the naybahood!

“Hey, tawnado! Go fuck yaself!”

 

I look ova at Joey, and I could tell that he wants to fuckin kill somebody! He shouts at the tawnado, “Do you know who ya messin with? Do you have any idea who I am?” Apparently, the tawnado didn’t know who Joey was, cuz it went and taw the siding off of a house that was only a block away from where we was standin. I mean, this tawnado had fuckin balls! It wasn’t even afraid of me, and I was wearin a skin tight t-shirt! Anyway, afta we realized that this sum ina bitch wasn’t gonna back down, me and Joey ducked into a Rite Aid, which was good because I was running dangerously low on hair gel anyway. I’m standin at the counta, paying the cashier, when all of a sudden I look down and realize that I lost my gold chain! Joey sez to me, “Hey Anthony, ya chain probably got sucked up by the tawnado.” Luckily, my cah was pocked right outside of the staw, so just like Helen Hunt in that movie Twista, me and Joey got in my cah and stotted chasin the fuckin tawnado down Shore Road. After all, we wasn’t gonna let no tawnado steal my gold fuckin chain! About thirty seconds latuh, Joey sez to me, “Shit! We’re goin 125 miles an owa, and that fuckin thing is still six blocks ahead of us!” And to make mattuhs worse, the tawnado decided to make a sudden turn onto Fawth Ave. At that point, we just gave up.

I needed a distraction, something to take my mind off of the fact that I had lost my gold chain. So me and Joey decided to go to a bah in the naybahood, and we lied to all of the girls that we met there by telling them that we make a lot maw money than we really do. Afta that, I went home and watched re-runs of The Sopranos. These things made me feel bettuh, but I hope that none of those tawnados evuh come through here evuh again. Nevuh evuh evuh.

 

 

August 9, 2007

 

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