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Area Man Harbors Desire To Fuck A Woman Through A Plate Glass Window


NEW YORK CITY– Several times throughout the year, Keith Malek works as an on the daytime soap opera One Life To Live. When he does, he sometimes appears in scenes with Melinda Fallo, a twenty-four-year-old actress who plays the role of Eriana. Yesterday, while referring to Fallo, Malek confused the entire nation when he was quoted as saying, “I would fuck her so hard! I would fuck her through a plate glass window!” No one, including New York Times columnist William Saffire–who writes the column On Language–seems to know what that meant. “I understood the part when he said, ‘I would fuck her so hard,'” said Saffire. “Where he lost me was that part about the plate glass window. If I may speculate, I’m guessing that what he’s trying to say is that he would fuck her while standing up and with her back against a window, and that he would fuck her so hard against that window that it would eventually break.” When asked about Saffire’s theory, Malek said, “He’s definitely right in the sense that she’ll get fucked and fall through a window,” said Malek. “But the similarities end there, because, as far as I know, what I want to do to her has never been done before in the entire history of sex.” Malek’s plan, which he has entitled “Operation Broken Window,” is an ambitious display of both brute strength and creativity, an undertaking that, according to Malek, is sure to leave Fallo in “a mixed state of both pain and euphoria, mostly pain.” But Malek admits that in order for Operation broken Window to work, a certain thing must happen that is “quite unrealistic.” “She would have to be walking down the street naked,” said Malek, “or a least with her panties off.” Malek, who will also be naked, will approach Fallo from forty yards away, running up to her at full speed. By the time that he gets within a few feet of her, she’ll spot Malek out of the corner of her eye, and, becoming alarmed, she’ll turn towards him. “And at that very second, I’ll ram into her, sending her through a store’s display window,” said an enthusiastic Malek.

Many people wonder what, if anything, this has to do with sex. “Well, that’s just the thing,” said Malek. “Right before I send her flying through the window, my penis is going to enter her vagina.” He added, “The actual sex might only last half a second, but the memories will last a lifetime.”

Still, many people, such as urologist Dr. Tom Szaniawski, are urging Malek to rethink his position. “Common sense dictates that if you run into something at full speed, with an erection, you’re going to break your penis,” said Szaniawski. “Hey! I made a pun! I said that common sense DICK-tates! Ha ha! Get it?” But Malek sees a broken penis as being “nothing more than collateral damage in the Battle Of The Bush.”

Gynecologist Lee Rmero also had reservations about Operation Broken Window. “First of all, unless he plans on fucking her belly button, it would be physically impossible for any form of penetration to take place,” said Romero. “But just for the sake of argument, let’s say that Malek’s penis does indeed penetrate Fallo’s vagina. What then? Since his penis will be up Fallo’s vagina, how will he manage to make that one monstrous thrust upward, effectively throwing her off of his penis and through the plate glass window?” Malek responded to that question by saying, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way. The testosterone that will be pumping through me when I first spot that vagina from forty yards out will provide me with all the strength I need. That, combined with the work that I’ve been doing with Justin Nadal should be more than enough.” Justin Nadal is his personal trainer. Malek came to him approximately one hour after he first spotted Fallo on the set of One Life To Live. “Keith walked into my gym and said, ‘I need your help.’ The look of determination in his eyes was something I’ve never seen before or since. It was as if God spoke to him directly through Fallo’s vagina.”

This was one year ago. Since then, Malek has taken on a brutal exercise regime, training seven days a week under Nadal’s supervision. “For the purpose of Operation Broken Window, we focus primarily on Keith’s lower body,” said Nadal. “The reason for that is twofold. First, a large part of how hard he’ll ram into Fallo depends on how fast he can run. Luckily, Keith was naturally a very fast runner to begin with. However, in the past year, due to intensive training, he’s managed to shave nearly three and a half seconds off of his original time in the forty yard dash. That kind of improvement is unheard of, even among professional athletes.” Since Malek had been originally planning on running into Fallo from forty yards out, Nadal was asked whether or not it was Malek’s idea to specifically use the forty yard dash as a training tool. “Not exactly,” said Nadal. “Keith wanted to use forty yards as a reference point because he wanted to make sure that he would hit Melinda Fallo at his maximum running speed.” But according to Nadal, the forty yard dash “is only half the battle.” “We’re also strengthening his legs for that explosive thrust at the end. You have to remember that he’s going to have to dip down low in order to thrust upward into her vagina. And when he does that, even coming in from forty yards out, he’s going to lose a lot of speed. Therefore, it’s imperative that we make his legs as strong as possible.” In order to do that, Malek, in addition to the forty yard dash, does two-hundred squats and two-hundred calf raises on a daily basis. “I told him that that’s far too much,” said Nadal, “but he really wants to send this girl flying.”

Focusing not only on the lower body, Malek also does rigorous cardiovascular exercises. “I do these exercises as a sort of Plan B,” said Malek. “Let’s just say that on the moment of impact, I get stuck inside of her, and we both go flying through the window. If that happens–and I doubt that it will–since I’ll already be on top of her, I’ll just keep on fucking her right there, providing tourists with quite an interesting show.” “If it does come to that,” said Nadal,” Keith wants to be in great shape so that he can at least give her a great fuck. What he doesn’t realize is that he will already have ‘killed the moment’ the second he sends her careening through a plate glass window.”

Regardless of whether or not Malek can physically pull off the mission, there are many who don’t even want him to try. One of those people is Lang Hi Ming, a Chinese immigrant who owns a store on 62nd Street and Broadway. “I came to USA. I open store. I work hard,” said Ming. “All of sudden, crazy man want to break window? For what? Hot pussy? No fair! I go back to China!” However, Malek never stated the specific store where he wants to fuck Fallo through a window.”Look, you have to understand that I don’t necessarily expect to see her walking down the street naked,” Malek said. “I’m simply saying that if I do, I’m going to be prepared. And since I’m prepared, store owners should be prepared as well.”

But store owners aren’t the only ones who want to put a stop to Malek. In addition to questioning the practicality of Malek fucking Fallo through a window, Dr. Lee Nomero was also concerned about Ms. Fallo’s safety. In his opinion, Fallo would probably be dead even before her body hit the window. “I’ve been a licensed gynecologist for ten years,” said Nomero, “and in my professional, expert opinion, if a man were to ram his penis into a woman’s vagina after running into her from forty yards out, there’s simply no way that she would survive.” Unfortunately for Fallo, Malek doesn’t seem to care. “In the Battle Of The Bush, I take no prisoners,” he said. “He may not take any prisoners,” said Dr. Nomero, “but the cops do. I hope he realizes that.”



March 24, 2007


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