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Not Knowing How Else To End Toy Story 4, Martin Scorcese Has Every Character Kill Each Other

HOLLYWOOD– In a surprising twist to the final installment of the successful Disney Pixar franchise, Toy Story 4 is being directed by the legendary Martin Scorcese, a bold move that is making many parents question whether or not they want to allow their children to see it. The film will be released in 2013, but in a private test screening held last night in Los Angeles, audience members learned that the film ends with almost every character killing each other in the last ten minutes. “It was horrifying,” said one parent. “My daughter ran out of the theater crying after Slinky got thrown off of a rooftop by three of the other toys. I don’t know what the hell Scorcese was thinking!” Parent Sue Ledstrom agrees, saying, “Never in a million years did I think that I would leave an animated film and have my six-year-old ask me what a cocksucker is.”
   Despite the violence and foul language, Toy Story 4 is being given a G rating. Chris Stewart, president of the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) explained that the film will be rated G due to both its animation, as well as the fact that it “promotes a lot of positive values.” “For example,” said Stewart, “there’s that one part of the film where the piggy-bank character, Hamm, is strangling one of the toy soldiers with a telephone cord and screaming, ‘Are you gonna pay me my fucking money?’ Violent as that may be, it teaches children to be responsible and pay their debts.” Stewart wasn’t the only one to praise the film’s content. Developmental psychologist Sandra Delpen believes that Toy Story 4 teaches children lifelong lessons that are, in her expert opinion, “invaluable.” “There’s this one scene where Woody finds out that his owner, Andy, wants to sell him and the other toys at a garage sale, so he responds by throwing Andy on the ground and kicking him in the face for about three minutes,” she said. “Was it violent? Sure. But it also teaches kids the value of loyalty and friendship.”
   Film critic Roger Ebert said that regardless of whether or not adults want to take their children, Toy Story 4 is “one hell of a movie.” “Aside from the animation, it’s just like every other Scorcese film, which isn’t a bad thing,” he said. “In fact, it was an absolute masterpiece until the last ten minutes when, for no apparent reason, every character starts shooting each other. I don’t know why Scorcese did that.” Asked why he did that, Scorcese said, “Can you come up with something better? For Christ’s sake, they made three movies about toys! Toys! They’re inanimate objects! What the hell else was I supposed to do?” Four-year-old Danny Johnson didn’t seem to mind the abrupt ending. He told reporters that he “lovedthe film, and he seemed to handle the violence quite well. “I’ve seen all four of the Toy Story movies, and this one is my favorite,” he said. He then added, “I’m particularly happy that that prick Buzz Lightyear finally got the bullet that he deserved, that rat fuck!”

November 14, 2012

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