HEAVEN—“Why did you make them leave my feeding tube in, motherfucker?” shouted Terri Schiavo. And with that, she bitch slapped Pope John Paul II, according to Long Island psychic Barbara Jacovic. Schiavo, who had been linked to a feeding tube for more than thirteen years after her heart stopped beating due to an eating disorder, starved to death on Thursday, resulting in great material for stand-up comedians everywhere. Schiavo sparked nationwide controversy when her husband, Michael Schiavo, insisted that her feeding tube be removed. Every religious lunatic in the world came out of the woodwork, insisting that Terri Schiavo continue to suffer in the name of God. One of those religious lunatics was the Pope, resulting in the alleged bitch slap that occurred in Heaven last night at around 9:20 PM, according to Jacovic.
Jacovic, who has successfully predicted the winners of both Survivor and American Idol for three years straight, claimed that while doing laundry, she was able to glimpse into the afterlife. She first realized that she was psychic after she went to see the Icecapades at Madison Square Garden when she was five years old. At the event, she fell down a large flight of stairs, and claims that she’s had psychic powers ever since. That might seem a bit far-fetched, but there are plenty of people who can attest to Jacovic’s powers. One of those people is her cousin, Rich Svich, also of Long Island, who said, “Barbara’s made many psychic predictions over the years that have come true. For example, years ago, she told me that I would spend every weekend playing really shitty music at a bar in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. She was right.”
Many people, however, are skeptical. Vatican spokesman Paul Davee said, “There’s no way that she can see into the afterlife. After…life. The word says it all. Heaven isn’t a place that you can just casually glance into every once in a while, like a twenty-five cent peep show in Times Square circa 1988. Besides, the Bible tells us that Heaven is a place of peace, a place where bitchslapping does not occur.” He added, “Of course, the word ‘bitchslapping’ isn’t actually in the Bible, but you know what I mean.”
When asked to respond to Davee’s comments, Jacovic said, “Oh, don’t get the wrong idea. Heaven is a beautiful place. After Terri Schiavo bitch slapped the Pope, the Pope apologized, and they went out for icecream.”
April 2, 2005