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Obama Refuses To Attack Libya; Fears “Waking The Baby”


WASHINGTON, D.C.– President Obama will not pursue military action against Libyan dictator Muammar Quadafi, stating that military intervention might “wake the baby.” In a brief video message on the White House website, Obama said that “tough economic sanctions” will be imposed on Libya, but that “the sounds of gunshots and bombs exploding will do nothing but wake the baby, who was just put down for her nap a little while ago.”


No one, including White House press secretary Jay Carney, seems to know what the president meant by that. “Quadafi’s children are in their early forties,” Carney told reporters. “And President Obama’s daughters, Sasha and Malia, are nine and twelve, so your guess is as good as mine.” Speculation grew as to whether or not Obama was confessing to having a secret love child, but Carney quickly dismissed those rumors, saying, “If a military strike takes place, it would happen in Libya, not here. So whatever baby it is that the president is referring to, it’s obviously a Libyan baby. And the president has never even been to Libya.” Daniel Hendricks Simon, a history professor at Yale University, said that Obama might have been misquoting President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who after the attack on Pearl Harbor in 1945, famously declared that the Japanese “did nothing more than awaken a sleeping giant.” “It’s a possibility,” said Simon, “but a remote one. After all, whether sleeping or awake, Libya is neither a baby or a giant.”


Republicans took an immediate interest in the baby’s gender. “We don’t know who this baby is that the president is referring to,” said House Speaker John Boehner, “but he did say that it’s a female, and we’re looking forward to the day that we can strip her of her rights to an abortion.” Utah Republican senator Mike Lee echoed Boehner’s sentiments, saying, “If the baby is a boy, there would be no way to blame him for getting raped or arrest him for having a miscarriage. That’s no fun.” Meanwhile, Fox News host Glenn Beck believes that “baby” is a secret code word. “Obviously, ‘baby’ is a code for Obama’s plans to force dissenters into FEMA operated death camps after he wages a Muslim backed attack against the American people and ushers in a one-world, czarist government,” he said. Obama denied these claims, but still spoke in a vague manner, saying, “The only times that the baby sleeps all the way through the night is when she has her bottle, so it would be foolish to bomb Tripoli. Ronald Reagan did that, and I’m not going to make the same mistake.”



March 11. 2011


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