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Iraq Hooks Itself Up To Inner Tube To End The War

 

BAGHDAD—In a desperate attempt to end the war with the United States, Iraq is considering the possibility of linking a massive feeding tube to the capital city of Baghdad. This idea came from the case of Terri Schiavo, a woman from Pinellas Park, Florida, who has been living in a vegetative state for over thirteen years, surviving by means of a feeding tube. Last Friday, a Florida judge ordered that the tube be removed, but President Bush strongly recommended on Monday that the tube be reinserted.

Yousef Mohammed Aljiwari, 39, of Mosul, thinks that the sight of a massive feeding tube will drive away American forces. “Even though it’s only a metaphor, a feeding tube conveys the appearance of suffering,” said Aljiwari. “If American soldiers see that our nation’s capital is linked to a feeding tube, they’ll come to the conclusion that we’ve suffered enough, and then they’ll go home.”

Not everyone agrees with Mr. Aljiwari. Rahmad Abdul Sahmed, a resident of Basra, thinks that a feeding tube would have just the opposite effect. “Linking our city to a massive feeding tube will actually prolong the war,” said Sahmed. “The only reason why Bush wants Schiavo’s feeding tube reinserted is because he’s a sick fuck who likes to see people suffer. Therefore, if we link Baghdad to a feeding tube, the US will bomb us even more. Either way, this country is going down the tubes. Ha ha! Get it? Down the tubes? God, I’m funny!”

When asked at a White House briefing to give his thoughts on Iraq’s proposed feeding tube, President Bush responded, “Feeding tube? What’s a feeding tube? Are you trying to say that it’s lunch time? Great! I’m starving!” Referring to Terri Schiavo, a reporter asked Bush if he saw any irony in the fact that he, of all people, has the power to keep someone alive who happens to be brain dead. “Do I see the irony?” Bush responded. “I don’t know. My doctor told me that I need to get more irony in my diet. Which is even more of a reason to go to lunch!”

 

 

March 23, 2005

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