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Natalie Portman


Me favorite pizza. Coney Island. NATALIE THERE! Me steal Natalie! Fuck so hard mole falls off face!

I’m sorry. It’s just that whenever I think about the stunningly beautiful Natalie Portman, something happens in my brain where I resort to caveman language. Anyway…Totonno’s, which is located on West 16th Street and Neptune Avenue in Coney Island, is my favorite pizzeria in the entire world. This afternoon, my friend Matt O’Talloran called me up and told me that as he was walking into Totonno’s, Natalie Portman was walking out. He also told me that they walked back inside, had a few drinks, and all they kept talking about was glory days. Ha ha! Just kidding! If that had been the case, then the title of this e-mail would have been “V For Verizon.” Wow, that was great! You see, Matt works for Verizon, and I just wrote that him and Natalie Portman (who starred in the film “V” For Vendetta) were talking about glory days (a Bruce Springsteen reference), so I pretended that Natalie Portman once worked with Matt at Verizon……………………………………………………..That wasn’t even the slightest bit funny, was it? I apologize. I’m not thinking clearly right now because I’m struggling to deal with the harsh reality that if I had been at my favorite pizzeria, Natalie and I would already be on a plane bound for Paris for a romantic getaway.

But allow me to backtrack a bit. A few years ago, I was at Down The Hatch, and the bartender, Owen, asked me if I had ever seen the film Gummo. I told him that I hadn’t.

“Well, Mate, Gummo is this really fucked up movie about this retarded guy who kills a bunch of people,” he said. “You see that guy sitting at the table over there? That’s the guy who played Gummo.” Now even though I never saw Gummo, I did see Garden State, so I walked up to the guy’s table and, doing my best Natalie Portman impersonation, asked him, “Hey, you played that retarded guy, didn’t you?”

He smiled and said, “Yeah. Gummo.”

“Wow! Good job! Are you really retarded?”


“Really? Because I thought you were even better than that Corky kid, and he’s really retarded. If they gave out, like, a retarded Oscar or something, you would beat him, hands down, kick his ass! I can’t believe you’re not really retarded!” He looked like he was going to punch me, so I walked away. Obviously, he hadn’t seen Garden State.

You can probably see where this is going: if I had been at Totonno’s with Matt, I would’ve told that story to Natalie Portman. This would have made her laugh so hard that she would have accidentally knocked over her Diet Peach Snapple. Always the gentleman, I would have offered her the rest of my Diet Peach Snapple. “Hold on,” I would’ve said, “I’ll get you a straw.” At that point, she would’ve giggled and said, “We can drink from the same bottle, Silly. We’re going to be exchanging all sorts of bodily fluids in a little while anyway.” This would have caused Matt to choke on his pizza, and me to stare in disbelief.

“Um…we…we are?” I would have stuttered.

“Sure! A sense of humor is a real turn-on, and that Gummo story was hilarious! Ha ha!”

So after exchanging all sorts of bodily fluids, Natalie and I would have been on our way to Paris, with her listening to her headphones while I sat there in silence, reflecting on how life can suddenly turn in strange, yet wonderful, directions.

Or maybe not. It’s very likely that after getting Natalie Portman naked, my burning desire to conduct historical research would have effectively “killed the moment” and ruined the sexual act. Allow me to explain. Nine years ago, I was studying American History in college when I started to realize that a certain pattern had been developing from around the first time that settlers stepped foot onto these shores. What I realized (and as far as I know, I’m the only one who has recognized this pattern) is that even though Natalie Portman was born in 1981, her vagina has been around, in some form, for hundreds of years, often effecting world history in startling ways. I gave this a tremendous amount of thought, and while it would provide my Totonno’s story with whole other layers, I would have to save the results of my research for a different essay–no–a different book altogether. If the reader is that curious about my findings, and they want to know more, I recommend that they read up on the Embargo Act of 1807 (her last name is Portman for a reason), and that they also pay special attention to The Non-Intercourse Act of 1809. Please understand, however, that even though I understand the “what” of this puzzle, I am still baffled as to the “why,” and this has resulted in a case of insomnia that is now approaching the better part of a decade. Why has her vagina existed for over four-hundred years, and effected the lives of millions of people? This question is my pursuit, my passion, my Holy Grail.

So it is safe to assume that if I had gotten Natalie Portman naked, I most likely would have ruined the moment by putting my face really close to her vagina and saying something along the lines of, “What pieces of the puzzle remain hidden in that deep, mysterious crevice? Come on, you troublesome sphinx! Unlock your riddles! Oh, why must you baffle me so?” How she would’ve reacted to this is based largely on her temperament. Because keep in mind that even though I know a lot about her vagina, I know practically nothing about Natalie Portman as a person, other than that, based on Totonno’s, we see eye to eye when it comes to fine dining.



June 3, 2008


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