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MTA To New York City: “You Need To Spend More Quality Time At Home This Weekend

 

NEW YORK CITY– MTA president Kieron Slattery sparked citywide controversy on Friday when he recommended that New York residents stay in this weekend and “spend more quality time at home.” “If you’re waiting for a train this weekend,” said Slattery in a press conference that was held at City Hall, “your best bet is to give up and go home because it’s most likely not going to come. Then again, New Yorkers spend such an exorbitant amount of money on rent anyway, so why shouldn’t they stay in every now and then?” Slattery’s comments came three days after the MTA announced that riders on twenty out of the twenty-three subway lines would be experiencing service disruptions this weekend due to maintenance and repairs. “If there’s some sort of home project or repair that you’ve been putting off, now is the time to do it,” said Slattery, who also recommended doing laundry this weekend. “In fact, the MTA has posted a list on our website, http://www.mta.info, of things that people can do at home this weekend since they won’t be able to go anywhere. It’s a wonderful list, and I recommend that you check it out.” The list includes everything from “Fix that leaky faucet” to “Tell someone who is close to you that you love them.”

Still, most New Yorkers find the idea of a list to be repulsive. “So let me get this straight,” said infuriated Bronx resident Christine Renby. “Instead of doing their jobs by making the trains run, the MTA is now extolling the virtues of staying at home?” Renby, who waited forty-five minutes for the Manhattan bound 6 train to arrive, said that she’s an adult who can “come and go as she pleases.” “If I want to leave my home, I have every right to,” she said. “And if I don’t have that right, then give me back the motherfucking money I spent on a Metrocard.”

Despite such complaints, Slattery remained steadfast in his belief that New Yorkers should stay home, saying that home “is where the heart is.” “Or, if you will allow me to repeat the words of the great English poet Robert Southey, ‘There is a magic in that little world, home; it is a mystic circle that surrounds comforts and virtues never known beyond it’s hallowed limits,'” Slattery quoted as a tear rolled slowly down his cheek.

“If I wanted poetry, I’d go to a poetry reading,” said Nicholas Greene, a Brooklyn resident who was stuck on the F train for three and a half hours. “Until then I need to get to work, which the cocksucking MTA will clearly not allow me to do!”

Greene wasn’t the only commuter who had trouble getting to work yesterday. Bartender Ken Foley works in the East Village. The Astoria resident got onto the subway at 11:30 AM yesterday morning with the hopes of spending the afternoon in Central Park before the start of his 8 PM shift. Much to his dismay, Foley didn’t arrive at the bar until 8:30, having spent eight and a half hours on the N train. Fortunately, Foley was wise enough to have planned ahead. “I knew that the trains were running ridiculously slow this weekend, so I brought along a copy of War and Peace,” he said. Still, Foley warns that unless commuters are willing to read a 1,440 page novel, “they’re better off either taking a cab or walking.”

 

 

October 10, 2009

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