STATEN ISLAND— Being told that the ING New York City Marathon would not be run this year due to the aftereffects of Hurricane Sandy, thousands of runners expressed their frustration by burning down most of the remaining homes on Staten Island, the borough that was hit hardest by the storm. “You don’t go and tell us twenty-four hours before the race that the race is cancelled,” said one runner who asked to not be identified. “You think losing your home in a hurricane sucks?” he added. “Well let me tell you about something else that sucks: shin splints. Shin splints suck. I know because I have them. And yet, I was going to run anyway. I wasn’t going to go crying to FEMA, begging for Bengay or some other handout!” Kenyan runner Geoffrey Mutai, the winner of last year’s race, agrees, saying, “I will burn down 19 homes, one for each hour that I spent on an airplane to get here.”
New York Road Runners president Mary Wittenberg urged runners to “remain calm,” and reminded the public that the New York Road Runners made a one-million dollar donation to the recovery effort. But to most residents of Staten Island, that means nothing. Amanda Flores, a resident of Fort Wadsworth, had this to say: “They donated a million dollars first and then they started burning down homes? Whoopdee-fucking-doo! Then again, I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones.” Flores explained that she’s one of the “lucky ones” because she only lost her home due to a flood caused by Hurricane Sandy, whereas her neighbor, Vanessa Hamilton, was raped by three runners before having her house burned to the ground. Asked to comment on the men who raped her and burnt down her house, Hamilton compared their behavior to child soldiers in Sierra Leone. “In Sierra Leone, child soldiers are given copious amounts of cocaine and other narcotics to make them violent,” she said. “It’s the same thing with the runners, except they’re given copious amounts of pasta.”
Despite Hamilton’s opinion, a Gallop poll suggests that a whopping eighty-six percent of Americans side with the arsonist runners. One of those Americans is Debra Brown, a historian at Princeton University. “Back in Ancient Rome, when the sister of the dictator Caligula died, Caligula banned people from smileing or laughing for six months,” said Brown. “Those who did smile or laugh were executed. That’s what this reminds me of. A few people are upset about losing their homes, so now everyone else has to be upset too? It’s ridiculous.” Five-time marathon runner Daniel Hendricks Simon echoed Brown’s sentiments, saying, “The media keeps focusing on the small number of would-be runners who spent their Sunday helping out the victims of Hurricane Sandy. Well, there’s a name for those people. They’re called traitors.”
By Tuesday morning, the destruction caused by the arsonist runners had become so severe that New York governor Andrew Cuomo had to send in troops from the National Guard, and New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg sent in cops in riot gear. But in a video that has now gone viral, one of the cops took off his gear, put down his weapon, and joined the side of the arsonists. That cop, later identified as Officer Lawrence O’Talloran, said on the video, “I ran track in high school. Now some people, like those pussies who were supposed to run on Sunday but are now helping out the hurricane victims, will tell you that if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem. I say, ‘If you didn’t cause the problem, make the problem worse.'”
The arsonists finally vacated the borough early this morning, but warned that their behavior will be far more destructive if August’s New York City Triathlon is cancelled.
November 7, 2012