June 3, 2008
Wonton Food, Inc.
222 Moore St.
Dear Wonton Food, Inc.,
Earlier this evening, after ordering some food from my local Chinese restaurant, I had the unpleasant experience of eating one of your fortune cookies. The cookie itself tasted fine, but this was the “fortune”:
Customer service is like taking a bath; you have to keep doing it.
Your Lucky Numbers: 3, 11, 21, 40, 52
When it comes to writing fortunes, what methods do you use? I’m assuming that you’ve hired a full-time psychic who specializes in that sort of thing. I’m also assuming that he must have called in sick on the day that my “fortune” was written, because what you have provided me with is not a fortune at all, but a piece of advice. Normally, that would be fine. However, your piece of advice was so flawed and poorly thought out that I felt compelled to write you a letter.
First of all, it is the height of arrogance for you to presume that you know anything about either my profession, or my bathing habits. You don’t hear me telling you to stop cheating on your wife, do you? I would never tell you that, for three reasons:
1) I don’t even know if you have a wife. For all I know, you might be a woman,
2) Maybe you have a wife, but you’ve been completely faithful to her, and
3) I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship
By the way, with my job, I can only provide customer service occasionally and still get away with it. For example, if a client leaves a message on my voicemail in which they ask me to call them back, I could wait until the next day (or maybe even two days) without any sort of negative consequences. That’s because what I do is not particularly important, and my clients realize this. On the opposite end of the spectrum, let’s assume that I was a brain surgeon, and you gave me that same fortune cookie. How do you think that would make me feel, to hear my job (in which I literally deal with life or death circumstances on a daily basis) being used in the same context as a teenager who wraps Christmas presents at the mall? I’ll tell you how it would make me feel! It would make me want to come down to Moore Street and use my scalpels for non-surgical purposes, you prick!
Now I will admit that, occasionally, I might go an entire day without showering. Let’s just say that I’m out really late on a Saturday night, and I don’t wake up until 3PM the next day. With most of the day already over, and with no plans of leaving the house or coming into contact with any other human being, I might decide to not shower until Monday morning. Like I said, I only do that occasionally, but I’ve got news for you: every time that I’ve done this, nothing bad has happened! If anything, I avoided the harmful chemicals that the government intentionally puts in shampoo and deodorants. That being said, by me showering less than you, I am far more healthy! More importantly, when you have the nerve to give me advice on customer service, that’s like the pot calling the kettle black, because in this case, you have provided me with horrible customer service! Maybe you’re not aware of the impact that you have on society, but I, for one, base most of my thoughts and actions on the fortunes/advice provided in your cookies. When you make the mistake of taking that level of responsibility lightly, the repercussions could be quite grave indeed.
In closing, I will remind you that while customer service and bathing are important, they are no more important than breathing, eating…or our friendship. Please. As a fellow Brooklynite, I expect more from you. Until then,
Your Lucky Numbers: 5, 17, 28, 36, 54
cc: Cookie Monster