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Hell Freezes Over! Millions Forced To Honor Rhetorical Promises

 

HELL– According to top scientists and theologians, Hell froze over on Monday, forcing millions of people worldwide to honor rhetorical promises. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer was the first to report on the freezing over of Hell, which took place at around 2:03 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Shortly after, thirty-two-year-old Erin Garnier of San Diego, California had sex with former high school classmate Harold Denkinger, an event that she never thought would occur. Garnier, who back in 1993 was voted Portsmith Valley High School’s prom queen, recalls that one day, during high school, she told her friend that she “would fuck Harold Denkinger when Hell freezes over.” “It was during Study Hall,” said the recently fucked Garnier. “Of course, I never thought that Hell would actually freeze over.” Garnier said that Denkinger “is still just as much of a nerd today as he was in high school.” “In fact,” said Garnier, “despite my promise, I still wasn’t going to sleep with him. I was hoping that he would have forgotten about the whole thing. Sure enough, about ten minutes after Hell froze after, my telephone rang.”

“You’re God damn right I was going to call her up,” said a triumphant Denkinger. “That little stuck up bitch! I made her eat her words, among other things.” It’s important to note that Garnier is now married with two children. “My husband wasn’t too crazy about the idea,” said Garnier, “but he understood that a promise is a promise.” As of yesterday, her husband, Jim Parkman, scrapes up dead animals from the highway. “About three years ago, I saw a guy removing a dead opossum from the road,” said Parkman. “I said to myself, ‘I’ll do that job when Hell freezes over.’ So I want you to think about what I was going through. At the very same moment that I was scraping a dead raccoon off of the road, my wife was fucking some other guy. This is horrible.”

But some people have actually benefited from Hell freezing over. Amanda Satcher’s circumstances were not much different from Erin Garnier’s. Three years ago, Satcher, who lives in Amherst, Massachusetts, said that she would fuck her co-worker, Andrew Hargrove, when Hell freezes over. She reluctantly fucked him on Monday, only to discover that it was the best sex she ever had. “He’s kind of weird and squirrely looking,” said Satcher, “but I was willing to overlook that once I discovered that he has an eleven inch cock.” When asked if she plans on seeing Hargrove again, she responded by saying, “Oh definitely.” According to UCLA psychologist Monica Soltani, this has been a common phenomenon ever since Hell froze over. “We’re seeing beautiful people fuck ugly people left and right,” she said. “From a psychological and sociological perspective, it’s fascinating in that the freezing over of Hell has largely eliminated the concept of beauty. Or, at the very least, it’s leveled the playing field. In the future, there might very well be couples getting married who, had Hell not frozen over, they never even would have spoken to each other.”

But romance isn’t the only positive thing that has occurred since Hell froze over. Unlikely friendships have also been formed. Acting on a “Hell freezing over” scenario, Osama bin Laden has spent the past couple of days visiting President Bush at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. “After spending a couple of days with one another, we realized that we have more in common than we thought,” said bin Laden. “I’m a religious fundamentalist. He’s a religious fundamentalist. I talk tough, yet send other people off to die, and so does he. To be honest, I kind of like the guy.” President Bush agreed with bin Laden, saying, “If you combine his hatred with my inability to put people over profit, the amount of combined evil that we could unleash on the world is unlimited! God, it gives me a hard-on just thinking about it!”

Aside from sexual encounters and newly formed friendships, the freezing over of Hell has also led to several improvements in daily life. For example, on the New York City subway, the R train now arrives, which is something that rarely occurred before Monday. “Before Monday, the R train arrived once every five hours,” said Brooklyn resident Keith Temson. “Now it arrives every five minutes. I love it!” Temson said that the prompt arrival of the R train isn’t the only miracle that he has experienced since Hell froze over. “This morning, I went to Dunkin Donuts and asked for a bagel with a little bit of butter. You’re not going to believe this, but the bagel only had a little bit of butter on it!” Temson claims that this is the exact opposite of what usually happens. “I always tell them that I want a bagel with a little bit of butter, but they seem to think that I ask for butter with very little bagel.” He added, “One time, I was at a Dunkin Donuts in New Jersey, and they put so much butter on my bagel that I was barely able to lift it.” Temson has always had a theory about Dunkin Donuts employees. “When they’re hired, they must watch a training video that shows them how to butter a bagel, and the video instructs them to put so much butter on the bagel that customers will have to undergo bypass surgery two hours later,” he said. “And since these imbeciles work for four dollars an hour, they’re incapable of following customer’s instructions. Therefore, after watching that video that tells them to prepare a heart attack bagel, it’s forever locked into their minds, and they go on autopilot.”

The freezing over of Hell has led many to wonder whether or not rhetorical promises will be made in the future. “Here we have an example of millions of people who made these promises because they never thought that those promises would have to be carried out,” said sociolinguist Eve Blackwater. “No one expected Hell to actually freeze over. But it did.” She added, “More importantly, if people do go back to making rhetorical promises, what are they going to say? I guess they’ll have to say, ‘I’ll do that when Hell gets hot again.'”

 

 

June 13, 2007

 

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