WASHINGTON D.C.– Record snowfall on the East Coast, combined with a soaring snowman population, has led President Obama to call for a strict “one snowman per child” policy. With the world’s snowman population expected to double by 2020, the president, in a live televised address, called snowmen “a drain on the planet’s resources.” “The carrots that are used to provide snowmen with noses could just as easily be used to feed the one billion people on this planet who are starving,” he said. “The top hats and scarves that are worn by snowmen could be worn by the homeless. The broomsticks that snowmen hold are a waste of wood. Most importantly, everyone knows that snowmen fuck like rabbits, and as a result, there are far, far too many of them.”
Frosty The Snowman–famous for having a jolly, happy soul–was neither jolly or happy upon hearing the president’s plans. “It’s one thing if he wants to limit the number of snowmen that children can build,” he told reporters, “but it’s quite another thing to make the ignorant assumption that every snowman has lots of children when, in fact, I have none.” As for his broomstick, Frosty said that it would have to be “pried from my cold wet hand.”
Frosty wasn’t the only one who voiced opposition to the president’s proposal. U.S. Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell said, “The president wants to avoid certain labels, like ‘socialist’ or ‘communist,’ and yet he’s pursuing a policy that is reminiscent of communist China.” McConnell also believes that Obama’s restriction on the snowman population will have negative effects on the economy. “Obviously, the broomstick industry will be affected by this decision,” he said, “as will the button industry. With unemployment levels at more than ten percent, do we really need more people out of work?”
Environmentalists, on the other hand, support Obama’s decision. “Children put their germ infested hands all over these snowmen,” said Ted Nowden, a spokesman for the Environmental Protection Agency. “Then the snowmen eventually melt and those germs end up in our rivers and oceans.”
Despite the new law, a brother and sister, ages eight and eleven, were arrested this morning outside of their home in Maryland after the police received an anonymous tip that the children had constructed a total of five snowmen in their back yard. They were immediately sent to the Maryland State Penitentiary, where they will serve a mandatory fifty year prison sentence.
February 14, 2010