LOS ANGELES– Despite his promises to bring sexy back, Justin Timberlake has only managed to bring sexy back half way, leaving millions of people around the world in a state of tremendous disappointment. His song “Sexy Back,” which came out on February 2, was the medium that Timberlake used to announce his grandiose ambitions. Much to Timberlake’s surprise, two months later, society is still filled with a lot of unattractive people. Fortunately, Cassandra Cleary of Boca Raton, Florida is no longer one of them. Before Timberlake promised to bring sexy back, Cleary was forty pounds overweight. She also had horrible acne and buck teeth. “There wasn’t a single boy in my entire school that wanted to date me,” said Cleary. “Not one. But ever since Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, I lost the weight, my skin cleared up, and my teeth magically straightened themselves out. Now guys are practically falling over each other just to get to me. Thanks, Justin Timberlake!” Another person who became sexy due to Justin Timberlake was Gertrude Johnson of Boston, Massachusetts. Johnson, who was eighty years old before Timberlake decided to bring sexy back, suddenly morphed into a twenty-year-old fashion model. “I was a model back in the 1940’s,” said Johnson. “Since then, I became a wife, a mother of two, and a grandmother of four.” But Johnson, who hasn’t informed her family that she’s now 20 again, decided to abandon them. “I love my family dearly,” she said, “but come on! Look at me! I am fucking hot!” She added, “Every senior citizen dreams of finding the Fountain Of Youth. Who ever thought that it would come in the form of a pop singer?”
It’s important to note though that not everyone has had the same results that Cassandra Cleary and Gertrude Johnson have had. One of those people is Justin Nadal of Queens, New York, who asked, “If Justin Timberlake is supposedly bringing sexy back, then why am I still so ugly?” Nadal hopes that Timberlake will eventually get around to helping him improve his facial configuration, but he admits that he’s growing “quite impatient.” “You would think that since my name is Justin, I wouldn’t have to wait so long,” he said. By no means is Nadal the only one who has been disappointed by Timberlake. Several major studies have all revealed that fifty percent of the world’s ugly people are still ugly two months after Timberlake first attempted to bring sexy back.
But many people have a problem with Timberlake even attempting to bring it back. Phillip Stroud of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania feels that Timberlake’s efforts are “quite shallow.” “George Clooney uses his celebrity status to help end genocide in Darfur,” said Stroud. “Bono feeds starving Africans. Al Gore is trying to combat global warming. These are important causes. And what cause does Timberlake use his celebrity status to address? He just wants to bring sexy back. Give me a break!”
Some people, like UCLA psychologist Monica Soltani, believe that sexy never really went out of style in the first place. “If I’m not mistaken, sex was already being used to sell everything from toothpaste to cars,” said Soltani. “So I’m not quite sure if Justin Timberlake needs to ‘bring it back’.”
Timberlake apologized to everyone who is still ugly. “I know that my dreams of single-handedly bringing sexy back were quite ambitious,” he said. “But I’ve always believed that if you shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. When I first set out on this journey, I knew that if I could help just one person become sexy, it would all be worth it.” But since Timberlake fell far short of his original goal, he was asked whether or not he was going to change the lyrics to “I’m going to do my best to bring sexy back, but I can’t make any promises.” “No comment,” he said.
April 2, 2007