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My Letter To Oprah Winfrey

 

Dear Oprah,

 

Here are a few books that you might wish to include in your little book club:

“Punctuality:How To Be On Time” by Scott David

“The Three P’s:Punctuality, Prudence, and Perseverance” by W.H. Davenport- Adams

“A Lecture On Punctuality” by Edward Roberts

 

I recommend these books for a reason. You see, back in Shakespeare’s day, plays were performed for the queen. There were other people in the audience as well, but the play did not start until the queen’s arrival. My question is this: when the fuck did you become the queen of the United States? I’m referring, of course, to the fact that you arrived fifteen minutes late to Julia Roberts’ Broadway debut of Richard Greenberg’s “Three Days Of Rain.” Tragically, for reasons that I will NEVER be able to fathom, they didn’t start the show until you arrived. There’s that old saying that goes “The show’s not over until the fat lady sings.” That’s outdated though. Apparently, the new saying is “The show’s not over until the fat lady arrives.” Either way, I’ve decided to simplify things for you by comprising two lists:

List 1

The Following Celebrities Arrived On Time For “Three Days Of Rain”

-Marcia Gay Harden

-Susan Sarandon

-James Gandolphini

-Dave Matthews

-Terrence McNally

-Mario Cantone

 

List 2

The Following Celebrities Arrived Late For “Three Days Of Rain”

–Oprah Winfrey

 

While looking at these lists, you and I probably notice two different things. Being the narcissist that you are, you’re probably saying, “You see? I stand out from everyone else!” You do indeed, but not in the way that you wished for. Here’s what I see: every celebrity in the first list earned their celebrity status by being talented. The dumb bitch in the second list (that’s you) became a celebrity by merely interviewing all of the talented people in the first list. Deep down inside, you’re painfully aware of the fact that you have no business being around talented people, so you try to “even things up” by being different (i.e. late).

The sad part is that journalists glorified it, writing that “Oprah made an entrance,” and “Oprah was fashionably late.” NO! It’s not fashionable, it’s disrespectful! It’s disrespectful to both the actors and the audience members! You can be “fashionably late” for a cocktail party, but when you arrive late for a play, you violate the sanctity of the stage!

You have no respect for the theater, just like how you have no respect for the written word. I’m referring to how you flip-flop on your opinion of James Frey’s book “A Million Little Pieces.” At first, you said that you didn’t care that Frey was lying about it being an autobiographical work, and you said that you weren’t going to remove it from your book club. Then people who actually read books informed you that you’re stupid for feeling that way, so you invited Frey onto your show so that you can yell at him and pretend that you were really hurt by his lies. But since you’re a phony fucking retard who honestly can’t figure out why it’s wrong for a writer to try to pass off a work of fiction as a work of non-fiction, you apologized to him a couple of days later. This serves as further proof that you have no business trying to discuss books. You’re not an intellectual, Oprah. You never were. To your credit, you’re the only daytime talk show host whose guests are civilized. Unlike The Jerry Springer Show or The Maury Povich Show or the myriad of other TV talk shows, your show isn’t about DNA tests or people who sleep with their sisters. This does not, however, make you an intellectual, and it certainly doesn’t give you license to have a book club.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy that you’ve gotten people to read, but you need to stop taking yourself so seriously. All of your imaginary success has gone to your head, and you think that it gives you the right to be late for a play. It doesn’t. You had no right to be late for “Three Days Of Rain,” and you had no right to live past your fifth birthday. And let me warn you right now: if you ever decide to come to Scene Night at The Actors Alliance Studio, don’t even fucking think about showing up late! If you do, I will break your face into a million little pieces!

 

Love,

Keith

 

 

April 26, 2006

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