LOUISIANA– In what might be the most unusual strategy for containment thus far, adult film star Jenna Jameson has offered to suck the remaining oil out of the Gulf Coast. As oil continues to gush from an uncapped twelve inch pipe on the ocean floor, Jameson, who has starred in such films as Please Cum Inside Me and Up and Cummers 17, offered to put her particular area of expertise to good use. “I was watching the news and saw the oil gushing out of that pipe and thought, ‘Why don’t I just put my mouth around it?'” said Jameson, who, until now, has never applied her talent for fellatio to humanitarian causes. “I mean, when you think about it, I’ve been sucking on gushing twelve inch ‘pipes’ for decades,” she wittily remarked.
Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, refused to comment on whether or not Jameson will do this, but a high ranking executive who wished to remain anonymous told reporters that the company has gone so far as to buy Jameson a wetsuit. “They wouldn’t go through all the trouble of having her get fitted for a wetsuit if they weren’t serious,” he said. “And if Ms. Jameson’s performance in Blown Away is any indication, she just might be able to pull it off. Either way, desperate times call for desperate measures.”
They do indeed. On April 23, marine biologists used deep sea robots to try to insert a small pipe that would siphon the oil to a ship on the surface. That attempt failed. Then, on Thursday, there was an unsuccessful attempt to siphon the oil using a boxed dome. Some people, like Dr. Robert Minden, believe that Jameson’s plan will also be met with disappointment. “To put it mildly, swallowing 400,000 gallons of oil can cause a few health problems,” he said. “Then again, it’s not exactly healthy to suck 10,000 cocks either.”
Jameson isn’t the only member of the adult film industry who wants to make a difference in the gulf coast. Nikki Benz, who has starred in films such as Hand To Mouth 6 and Big Titty Nurses, has offered to lick the oil off of sea otters, and Ron Jeremy has offered to have his penis surgically removed for the purpose of plugging in the leak.
May 17, 2010