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Szaniawski Receives Death Threats From Angry Fans Of Keith Malek

 

NEW YORK CITY– Following rumors that Keith Malek might have faked his death, fans have responded by threatening to kill his literary agent, Tom Szaniawski. In its first day of existence, the website http://www.killszaniawski.org received 100,000 hits, prompting Szaniawski to release a statement to the press. “People have made various accusations against me, all of them false.” said Szaniawski. One of those accusations is that Szaniawski helped Malek fake his death, a claim that Szaniawski finds “absurd.”

“Absurd? Absurd is claiming that someone fell off of the Brooklyn Bridge while trying to catch a football,” said Rich Svich, 32, of Long Island, “Szaniawski took part in the biggest cover-up in literary history. The only thing that’s absurd is the fact that he thinks he can get away with it.” Svich then pulled a 22 caliber pistol out of his jacket and said, “He won’t get away with it though. Trust me…he won’t!”

But while some people think that Szaniawski helped Malek fake his own death, others–like Brooklynite Samantha Churak–believe that Szaniawski took things further than that. “Don’t let him tell you otherwise. Keith Malek was murdered by Tom Szaniawski,” said Churak, who created the website www.malekwasmurdered.com. “If I ever see him in the street, I’m going to fucking tear him apart!” Szaniawski, who has now hired a team of bodyguards, responded to these accusations by saying, “Now is not the time for crazy conspiracy theories. I can understand why people would be upset. After all, the human race has lost a literary giant. But there must have been fifty people on the bridge that night that saw us playing football.” Police officer Lawrence O’Talloran was on duty the night of Malek’s disappearance. “Mr. Szaniawski is correct in that there were dozens of people who witnessed the football game,” said O’Talloran. “ “And since no body has been found, it’s nearly impossible to determine whether or not there was foul play involved.”

Despite Officer O’Talloran’s statement, not everyone is convinced. One of those people is Alex Barnett of Manhattan. He doesn’t believe that Malek was murdered, but he insists that Officer O’Talloran helped Malek fake his death. “Keith Malek and Lawrence O’Talloran are friends,” said Barnett. “Once that fact is made public, you’re going to see people rioting in the streets.”

 

 

October 13, 2006

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