BROOKLYN– The rumors were true after all. Keith Malek, who is widely regarded as the greatest journalist to have ever lived, did indeed fake his own death on October 2. This announcement was made yesterday at a press conference in which Malek appeared with his literary agent, Tom Szaniawski. “I am announcing my return to journalism,” said Malek, “but it’s not because I’ve forgiven you people. I’m still pissed off at how ungrateful all of you are. I came back for three reasons. The first reason is that I wanted to clear Tom Szaniawski’s name. He had nothing to do with me faking my death.” Malek then turned to Szaniawski and said, “Tom, I’m sorry.” They hugged, and then Malek said, “The second reason why I came back is because I’m currently working on a story that will shake the very fabric of this nation. It’s a piece of investigative journalism that is so big that Watergate will pale in comparison.” Malek refused to disclose what the topic of that story will be, but he promised that his article will appear in tomorrow’s newspaper. “And the third reason why I came back is because I read an amazing book while I was in Paris, and I felt the need to recommend it to everyone. It’s called Clifford The Big Red Dog Goes To Kindergarten. Not only will that book change the way you look at kindergarten, it will change the way you look at everything!”
On Thursday, it was reported that the Associated Press offered Malek $10,000 per article if he were to return. Malek, however, swears that money isn’t a factor in his return. “Hell, I’m a world renowned journalist,” he said. “I blow my nose with hundred dollar bills.” On the night of Malek’s disappearance, Tom Szaniawski saw what he thought was Malek’s body hit the water after he fell off of the Brooklyn Bridge. When asked how he managed to pull that off, Malek said, “A great magician never reveals his secrets.”
In honor of Malek’s return, a parade has been scheduled for tomorrow. The parade route will be fifth avenue between 44th and 72nd Streets. Fifteen people are expected to attend.
October 15, 2006