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Keith Malek Cuts Off His Ear


BROOKLYN—Giving new meaning to the term “tortured artist,” Keith Malek cut off his left ear last night, following an argument with his literary agent, Tom Szaniawski. Malek, 27, sent shockwaves throughout the world on Thursday when he announced his retirement from writing, labeling his readers as “ungrateful.” Szaniawski tried to talk him out of retirement, but he admits that he “shouldn’t have.” “You never want to try to reason with him when he’s drunk on absinthe,” said Szaniawski. “The results, as we’ve seen, can be quite ugly.” Following the argument, Malek grabbed a mirror and a razor blade. He lifted the razor and sliced through his left ear from the top of the lobe, working down at an angle. “I guess it pretty much goes without saying that once he did that, the argument was over,” said Szaniawski.  “I mean, how could I top that?”

After cutting off his ear, Malek wrapped it up in a handkerchief and gave it to Rachel Fielder, his favorite prostitute. Fielder was not impressed with Malek’s “gift.” She fainted upon receiving it, and when she awoke, she was quoted as saying, “That fucking freak better stay away from me!”



September 30, 2006


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