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Axl Rose Wants Release Of ‘Chinese Democracy’ To Coincide With Collapse Of World Economy

 

LOS ANGELES– Now that the entire world economy is about to collapse, Axl Rose sees this as being the perfect time to release Chinese Democracy, the Guns N Roses album that he has been working on for more than fourteen years. “I wanted to wait until everyone could no longer afford to buy it,” said Rose, who is the only original member left in the band. “It’s sort of an avant garde political statement that coincides with the title. The idea is that even if China achieves democracy, the frustrations of globalization will make those achievements obsolete.”

Unfortunately, not all of Rose’s band members agree with his ideology. “I’m not into making oblique political statements,” said guitarist Richard Fortus. “We could’ve released this album nine fucking years ago, back before people downloaded music, and we could’ve gotten rich doing it. Axl is psychotic.” Drummer Chris Pitman agrees with Fortus, saying, “We’ve made enough music to release three or four albums. Axl is just into self-sabotage.” Both musicians agree that they would never express these opinions to Axl. “I’m petrified of him,” said Fortus. “One time, in rehearsal, I screwed up the opening notes to Don’t Cry, and Axl tried to attack me with an icepick.”

Believe it or not, Rose wanted to wait even longer to release the album. “I wanted to wait until everyone was living in a cardboard box,” he said. “And then I would walk down the street and place a copy of the album of top of each cardboard box. The record company didn’t want to wait any longer though, which I think is completely unreasonable.” Matt O’Talloran is the president of Geffen, the label that is releasing Chinese Democracy. “Keep in mind that I already gave that little cocksucker a total of thirteen million dollars to work on this album,” he said. “But I would never tell that to Axl. The last time I asked him to finish the album, he tried to run me over with his car.”

 

 

November 16, 2008

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