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United States Bombs The Moon, Kills Bin Laden

 

OUTER SPACE– The United States received an unexpected gift when it bombed the moon this morning–the death of Osama bin Laden. “My fellow Americans, satellite imagery taken on the moon has revealed that Osama bin Laden is dead,” declared President Obama in a televised speech from the White House. Bin Laden, who masterminded the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the 1998 bombings of the US embassies in Tanzania and Kenya, and the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, was killed at approximately 7:31 AM when a rocket landed on the moon’s south pole. The purpose of the bombing was to discover whether or not the moon contains water, thus having the ability to sustain life. Results of the bombing were inconclusive, but most Americans agree that it doesn’t matter. “All I care about is the fact that bin Laden is dead,” said NASA scientist Alan Treacy. “It wasn’t our intention to kill bin Laden, but since we did, it was worth every penny of the seventy-million dollars that we spent on this experiment.”

 

Even so, many important questions remain. For example, how did bin Laden get to the moon? “That question baffles us,” US Central Command General David Petraeus told reporters. “Keep in mind that bin Laden belonged to such a primitive culture that its people still travel by horseback. So the fact that they have a space program was a complete shock to us.” Petraeus also failed to give a definitive answer to the question of how long bin Laden might have been up there. “Look,” he said, “for the past eight years, U.S. intelligence has assumed that he was hiding somewhere on the border between India and Pakistan, when in fact, he was on the moon. Now that doesn’t mean he was up there that whole time, but it does show you that we have absolutely no idea what we’re doing. Either way, we killed him, and that’s all that you should be focusing on.”

 

Despite Petraeus’s wishes, many people are wondering who else might be on the moon. “It makes me more than a little uncomfortable to think that Osama bin Laden was looking down at the entire planet,” said Mike Giordano, an astrophysicist from Brooklyn, New York. “I mean, at that height, if he were to throw a stone towards our planet and it landed in one of our oceans, it would cause a huge tsunami that would kill every living organism on earth.” In a media blitz, the CIA attempted to quell those fears, saying that NASA is now inspecting every inch of the moon in an effort to find more missing terrorists. “Due to the fact that no one knew about Afghanistan’s space program, we understand why some people are concerned,” said a spokesman for the CIA. “However, there is no evidence at this time that there are any more terrorists on the moon.”

 

Meanwhile, President Obama has promised that if any terrorists are indeed found on the moon, they will “have to answer to the full force of the United States military.”

 

October 9, 2009

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